MUDDY, expensive and miles from a bed.
These are the ingredients of a bad festival, says designer and festival fan Wayne Hemingway.
And this is why he is determined to reclaim festivals and bring them back to their original form.
Wayne and wife Geraldine will bring their Vintage Festival to Scotland for the first time.
Over July 27 and 28, timeless glamour, from Charleston dancers to disco and Northern Soul music, will fill Glasgow's streets as part of the Merchant City Festival.
Lancashire-born Wayne, who is best known for launching the Red or Dead fashion label in the 1980s, says celebrations of music and culture were never meant to be held in muddy fields, miles from civilisation.
He says: "Festivals existed in cities long before they took them to fields.
"And not everyone likes roughing it in a field. If you're camping right next to a group of 16-year-olds who won't sleep it's not a good experience."
Wayne and Geraldine, who have four children, have staged their Vintage venture in various UK locations over the past three years.
They wanted to stage something that would attract every generation – and are bringing it to Glasgow because it's a "party" city.
Wayne said: "We had a Red or Dead shop in Glasgow in the early 90s, long before Buchanan Street became what it is today.
"We got to know Glasgow really well and we discovered it was a place that was up for a party.
"In some cities, people dress down, but I think Glasgow makes an effort. You notice it as a designer. Girls especially seem to take more time getting ready and putting outfits together.
"We thought the city was perfect for Vintage."
The couple's love of the city is mirrored in the choice of events being staged next weekend.
As well as a street food market, vintage vehicles show, a catwalk fashion show and dance events, there will also be free showings of films celebrating the city.
"The footage is just fantastic," Wayne says.
"We've also been working with a Glasgow production team. We wanted it to be rooted here.
"People can come down and spend money or not spend money.
"It's free to come along but you have to get tickets in advance for some of the events."
For clubbers, Wayne recommends next Saturday's Soul Casino night at the Old Fruitmarket, which will feature everything from funky Northern Soul to cult disco cuts.
He says: "We're enjoying the second coming of disco thanks to bands like Daft Punk.
"Older people might want to do some 1940s dancing, the younger ones think some of the music sounds like Daft Punk's Get Lucky.
"We also have make-up parlours, dance classes and fantastic food."
The couple were mightily impressed with the venues Glasgow has to offer, especially the cobbled and cavernous Old Fruitmarket, in Albion Street.
He says: "All the dance events are in the Fruitmarket.
"We've never seen a better venue in Britain.
"It's just stunning. Every time you go in there it gives you goosebumps.
The Old Fruitmarket one of the most provocative places in Britain. The City halls are stunning as well."
As reported in the Evening Times, next to the Vintage venues at the bottom of Candleriggs, contractors have begun demolishing the long-abandoned Goldberg's store.
However, Wayne has no fears about it spoiling the festival fun.
He says: "Somebody told me they were doing loads of demolition, so we came and looked at it, but it's no problem at all.
"It happens in cities. If we were right in the middle of diggers and dumpers and explosions it might be an issue but we're not."
If the event proves successful, Vintage will return to Glasgow.
Wayne says: "If people come down and support it and it's a big success, then why not bring it back?
"Even my mum, who's 70-odd loves vintage festivals and she'll be at this one.
"I think we've created something cool but not threatening – it just brings people together.
"We're all prepared – now it's up to you."
n Vintage Glasgow, parts of the Merchant City Festival (www.merchantcityfestival.com), takes place on Saturday July 27 and Sunday 28.
Let It Rock
Sat 27 July 2pm-5pm £10. Open to all
Celebrate the 50s finest with three hours of raucous Rock 'n' Roll, bopping Rockabilly and shuffling Rhythm and Blues. Get a 50s makeover then join a jive class before trying those new moves to Scotland's finest rockin' band, The Coy Dogs, and vinyl collector extraordinaire DJ Tojo.
Sat 27 July 8pm-1am £15 Over 18s
The Soul Casino recreates the sounds and style of a classic 70s Northern Soul club and an 80s disco, with cult DJs Eddie Piller, Bob Jeffries, Al Kent and Wayne & Jack Hemingway.
The Vintage Sunday Social
Sun 28 July 12.30pm-5pm, £10. Open to all
The finest exponents of Boogaloo, Latin, Mod classics, Northern, modern and crossover Soul, Ska and freakbeat open their record boxes to bring you a Sunday afternoon that's guaranteed to get you out of your chair and onto the dancefloor.
Sat 27 July, 11am-1pm, £12. Open to all
Enjoy an evocative 1920s, Great Gatsby-era Charleston brunch. Expert dance teachers will guide you through the moves and The Gramophone DJ will provide the best in syncopated jazz.