The only way can't be Joey Essex!

WORSE than Naked Jungle had it been presented by Ortis Deley, The Only Way is Essex's infamous live episode back in 2012 set a new low for British television.

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Reality TV star Joey Essex is at The garage on Friday
Reality TV star Joey Essex is at The garage on Friday

You can see its star, Joey Essex, right, live tomorrow night at The Garage, when he turns up for a personal appearance that is arguably as pointless as his existence. Of course you could do something worthwhile instead, but the fact is that people will still turn up to gawk at this ghastly talent vacuum - thereby validating the whole sorry affair, so you might as well just buy the ticket, shut up and enjoy it.

l Joey Essex, tomorrow, The Garage, 11pm-3am,

THIS is the big one: a weekend of all-out craziness awaits at The Arches, where - beginning tomorrow night - two immovable clubbing forces take centre stage.

The main event is surely Colours' 19th birthday. Since 1989, the year of their first Streetrave warehouse party, the country's biggest clubbing brand has consistently brought Europe's foremost DJs to Glasgow.

Even at the ripe old age of 19, they show no signs of stopping: Saturday's bash is one of epic proportions, as evidenced by the 5am closing time.

It features a mix of legends and up and coming talent: Tall Paul, Ferry Corsten and Benny Benassi rub shoulders with Marco V, Jon Mancini and Giuseppe Ottaviani, which the blurb calls "a lineup worthy of your attendance"… humble until the end, those Colours chaps.

Tomorrow night, the club must survive a run-in with the evergreen Pressure, who have Chicago techno's most dynamic export, Green Velvet. He's joined by Parisians Paul Ritch and D'Julz, Space resident Yousef and, of course, Glaswegian heavyweights Slam.

l Pressure with Green Velvet, tomorrow, The Arches, 10.30pm-3am, £16.50

l Colours 19th Birthday Party, Saturday, The Arches, 10.30pm-5am, £25

GLASGOW'S foremost disco and funk night for registered audiophiles has yet another solid gold night in store.

On Saturday, Tim Sweeney, founder of Beats in Space and one of New York City's hippest figures, heads to The Admiral's basement for more catastrophically groovy scenes.

Whatever happens, one thing's for certain: Sweeney will be back in NYC on Tuesday to record BiS - a weekly appointment that he misses for no amount of globetrotting disco shenanigans. That, ladies and gents, is commitment.

l Melting Pot with Tim Sweeney, Saturday, The Admiral, 11pm-3am, £12

EVERYONE I've spoken to who attended the Art School's reopening weekend agreed on two things: not only is the legendary club back, it's as brilliantly unhinged as ever in there.

On Saturday, London's premier hip-hop party crew Livin' Proof headline Freaky Freaky's first party of the comeback, which takes up both blinkin' floors. The Assembly Hall has Livin' Proof's Khalil and Budgie in full flight, with locals Ride, Atlas and Joshua holding down the Vic Bar. Tight.

l Freaky Freaky, Saturday, The Art School, 11pm-3am, £6

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