The Lone Ranger (12A, 149 mins)

Director: Gore Verbinski

2 stars

The story goes that director Gore Verbinski was only talked into making The Lone Ranger when Johnny Depp showed him a picture of himself as Tonto, the Comanche hunter, in clown make-up and with a dead bird on his head.

For mystifying reasons, that was all Verbinski needed, and so it was that Disney coughed up $250m for the project, and the star and director reteamed to try to bring the vibe of their Pirates of the Caribbean to a TV western series that dates from the 1950s.

And it's a very good looking western, which it should be for that money, one full of trains, posses, and Monument Valley locations, fancied up with massive actions set-pieces and mystical elements.

Verbinski lifts from Leone frequently and musters up some very nice shots. Hanz Zimmer recycles his Sherlock Holmes score, but has some fun with the William Tell Overture that the TV show is probably best remembered for, if it's remembered at all.

As such there are moments, brief moments of excitement and fun. But there's simply no excuse for a two and half hour running time, one hampered by so many false starts that you wonder just when it's going to get going.

Then there's the thoroughly pointless framing device in which an ancient Tonto recounts his adventures to young boy at a fairground attraction in 1933.

This takes us back to the 1860s, where the railroad is being built that will join up the continent, setting off that hokiest of plots (did no one see Blazing Saddles?) in which he who controls the railroad (in this case, Tom Wilkinson) controls the country.

A garbled narrative chucks us in at the deep end as Tonto and the Lone Ranger (Armie Hammer) rob a bank, but then we flash back further to when they first met, when the Lone Ranger was a lawyer called John Reid.

This kicks off the first action sequence, a fight on board a train that's big and elaborate, but not exactly engaging. It's a sign of what's to follow, with pretty much every set piece involving a train in some way, each of them showier than the last.

Reid ends up on the trail of an outlaw, Cavendish (William Fichtner), the man who killed his brother, but quite what the plot is beyond the search for Cavendish is anyone's guess, as Wilkinson gets up to something or other and Tonto and the Lone Ranger spar.

The lack of spark in both their antagonism and their friendship means it never works as a buddy movie, and Depp's shtick is nothing like entertaining enough to keep it on the rails.

He must shoulder a lot of the blame, wheeling out a lot of the same mannerisms and expressions as Jack Sparrow. On top of characters who offer nothing to invest in, there are characters with no business being part of the story, in particular Helena Bonham Carter's one-legged madam.

It all just adds to the layers of flab of a movie that more often than not is bloated gibberish, albeit beautifully mounted. Chip away an hour and there might just be something of value in there, but this is no way to run a railroad.

See it if you liked: Wild Wild West, Cowboys and Aliens, Maverick

Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa (15, 90 mins)

Director: Declan Lowney

4 stars

ONE of the most memorable and enduring characters in the history of comedy takes a belated stab at cinema success with results that should please fans but which are unlikely to persuade newcomers what all the fuss is about.

Making the journey from radio to TV chat show host back to local radio, Alan Partridge (Steve Coogan) was last seen as a chummy DJ at North Norfolk Digital in Mid Morning Matters.

That's where we find him at the start of his big screen debut when, as part of a rebranding, Alan's colleague, veteran DJ Pat (Colm Meaney) is fired. Pat's response is to take everyone at the station hostage, which is a fine situation to allow someone as egotistical and self-serving as Alan loose, who sees an opportunity to get back in the spotlight and reinvigorate his career.

Coogan has been Partridge for 20 years now, and the sharp, often cringeworthy comedy comes from this monstrous buffoon finding himself out of his comfort zone, and coming up against real professionals in the shape of the police.

Inside the station things are a little more undisciplined, with few of the supporting characters other than Alan's sidekick, Simon, getting anything interesting to do.

Yet the laughs keep on coming, even though as a structured piece of storytelling Alpha Papa can sometimes be found wanting. And when compared to such British big screen hits as Edgar Wright's movies, there just doesn't seem to have been as much care and attention lavished on the screenplay, or imagination to its developments.

But that's all stuff that could have taken this from good to great, so we'll just have to settle for hilarious.

See it if you liked: Anchorman, In the Loop, The Inbetweeners

Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters (PG, 106 mins)

Director: Thor Freudenthal

2 stars

The mash-up of Greek myth and Harry Potter (lots and lots of Harry Potter) that was Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief from a couple of years ago was always intended to kick off a series of movies, and so we return to the world for this rather tired sequel.

Modern day teenager Percy Jackson (Logan Lerman) discovered in the opening entry that he was the son of Poseidon, but without the need for lengthy setups this time round, we jump straight into Percy at Hogwarts, sorry, Camp Half-Blood.

After saving the day in the first movie, his worry is that he was a one-quest wonder, not as worthy a hero as believed, but an attack on their enchanted camp sends Percy and his pals on a quest to recover the Golden Fleece, which involves travelling to the Sea of Monsters where the bad guys are trying to resurrect the Titan, Cronos.

Though far from original, this is reasonably agreeable fantasy fare, especially when compared to the lumbering Clash and Wrath of the Titans from which it takes much inspiration.

But it's just all so forgettable, so where the first film still managed to be acceptably fun, despite its glaring similarity to Potter, this is dull as well as derivative.

Grave import is given to very goofy events, with none of the heft of Potter, nor the breadth of characters to invest in, with only a cameo by Nathan Fillion briefly piercing the torpor.

Drenched in CGI, the action set pieces are unmemorable, just stepping stones on the way to a dumb finale and the threat of yet more adventures to follow.

See it if you liked: Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief, Wrath of the Titans