MY PAL'S kids are leaving the nest, so he and The Wicked Witch of the East have downsized. They wanted a smaller house that was maintenance free; they bought one that hadn't been maintained in years. It was two-storey - one story before the sale, and another story after.

It's almost 30 years since my pal was involved with estate agents and surveyors and viewings, and he had forgotten how stressful it could be. And he was buying AND selling.

He should have learned from the experience of their older kids. Did he really think it was The Wicked Witch's cooking or his padlock on the booze cabinet that had been keeping them at home?

The dream of our generation, my pal's and mine, was to pay off our mortgage; the dream of our kids is to get one.

My pal's mortgage man was a bit of an eye-opener.

"Well, folks," he started, "first you tell me what you can afford, and what you think you'll get for that money, and then we'll have a good laugh and move on from there."

This was the guy who introduced them to the concept of debt consolidation.

That's where you end up having just the one huge bill you're unable to pay.

"Now then, some personal details," he said. "You are in regular employment?"

"Yes," said my pal.

"Children?"

"Yes, two still at home. Boy and girl, 13 and 15."

"Animals?"

"Well, sometimes, but they're generally under control," The Wicked Witch interjected defensively, a nerve having been struck.

THE estate agent was just as much fun. "The house I'd like to interest you in has favourable selling points," he said sincerely.

"But it says here it lies midway between a chemical plant and the local tip. What's the selling point in that?" asked my pal.

"Ah, well, the advantage is you always know which way the wind is blowing."

"I see the house has no burglar alarm," said my pal.

"Yes, they can be very expensive. I would suggest you move everything into your bedroom at night, and move it back out in the morning."

Having finally moved in, my pal spent a week gutting the front garden. And he very quickly knew exactly where his new property's boundary line stopped, just by watching how his new neighbour cut their adjoining hedge.

My pal looked every inch the worker in his navy blue boilersuit, and when a car stopped at the front gate the woman driver said: "You've done a lovely job, how much do you charge?"

My pal told her: "The lady who lives here lets me sleep with her."

The local vicar also was impressed with my pal's landscaping. "You and the good Lord have done wonders together," he informed my pal.

"Yes," came the reply. "You should have seen the place when the big man took care of it on his own."

MY pal and The Wicked Witch are part of a trend that will see two-adult households increase by 25% in the next 20 years.

Our population is rising, but not nearly as fast as the number of households. As more people live alone and in smaller households, they are projected to increase by almost a fifth to 2.7 million - an average of 17,600 more households-per-year.

That's good news for house sellers and, talking of agents, my pal moved next door to a struggling actor, who returned one night to find police and three fire engines surrounding his smouldering house.

"What happened?" he asked my pal.

"Well, it seems your agent came by your house earlier today and while he was here he seduced your wife, attacked your mother-in-law, strangled your cat, and burned your house to the ground."

The actor was struck speechless, his jaw hanging open in disbelief.

"My agent came to my house?"