There is more chance of Mo Farah winning gold as a heavyweight boxer at this year's Commonwealth Games than me ever competing alongside Glasgow 2014's top athletes, writes Andy Newport.
But after joining a select band of 200 journalists, event staff and sponsors invited to be the first guests of the Games' new athletes village in the east end of the city, I can at least say I have spent 24 hours sampling what life for Usain Bolt and co will be like when the action gets under way later this month.
The first of the athletes who will set up camp in the village will check in on July 13 and they can be reassured their every whim will be catered for.
From comfy beds to condoms, and weight benches to beauty salons, there is little to be desired that cannot be found somewhere inside the 35-hectare site.
Situated just yards away from the location of this year's opening ceremony at Celtic Park, the Glasgow 2014 organising committee have transformed a patch of derelict and contaminated ground into 700 modern homes capable of housing 4,500 competitors and another 2,300 support staff from the 71 countries taking part.
The small townhouses - which will be sold off at affordable rates once the athletes depart - are modestly set out but comfortable enough.
In a nod to the host nation's well-known frugality, Glasgow 2014 are determined to make sure not a penny of the £229million spent on building the village is wasted and have even dusted down furniture from the London 2012 athletes' camp.
Each bedroom has two single beds, a couple of bedside cabinets and a wardrobe - and not much else.
Think student digs and you will get the idea but the crayon drawings hanging on the walls which have been sent in by school children from around Scotland are a nice touch. Each comes with a self-addressed postcard so the athletes can write back showing their appreciation.
My mattress was softer than a Brazilian penalty claim but for all the use the black-out curtains did me as I was rudely awoken at 5am by the rising sun, I may as well have slept outside.
Unlike the Olympics, the Commonwealths are fully integrated with para-sport competitors taking part in the same programme of events as their able-bodied counterparts.
That has presented its own challenges but village accommodation manager Caroline Rodgers thinks her team have cracked it.
"It's of paramount importance to us," she said. "We want to make sure that all athletes, regardless of any accessibility requirements, can move freely and easily around the village."
The Emirates Arena and Sir Chris Hoy Velodrome are also just a javelin's throw away from the perimeter fence, and the organisers proudly boast that 80 per cent of the games venues can be reached in just 20 minutes from the village.
But the athletes' base is more than just a housing estate. Its dining hall has a menu offering 2,000 different items, from gluten-free bread to free Irn Bru.
Open round the clock, there will be 600 people on shift in the specially-built £1million kitchen to plate up a range of dishes, with British cuisine complimented by spicier variations from around the globe.
The creamy mushroom pasta I sampled was not quite up to Masterchef standards, but the carb count will not be an issue for the hungry sportsmen and women looking to refuel.
Meanwhile, the polyclinic medical department is essentially a mini-hospital.
With as many as 60 staff working at any one time, it will be able to call upon the services of doctors, physiotherapists, masseurs and even a dentist to help soothe the bumps, bruises, tears and strains suffered during Games action.
As well as an x-ray department, it even has a mobile MRI scanner to help the medics get to the bottom of the stars' aches and pains.
"We want to ensure that every athlete can compete to their potential," said Liz Mendl, the village's Medical Services Manager. "We will have a huge number of different disciplines looking after medical services across dentistry, pharmacy, physiotherapy and more.
"We're open 24/7 and will try to ensure they are looked after to help them get back to competing to the top of their ability."
There is a bed for every single person taking part in the games between July 23 and August 3, even though many of the events will have finished long before the closing ceremony at the new-look Hampden Park.
But with a lively atmosphere expected, many of the athletes will hang around the village for the duration.
So the organisers have laid on a mix of entertainment to keep the athletes amused when they are not darting along the track or dive-bombing into the pool.
The beauty salon will offer free - but basic - haircuts to residents while the female competitors will be able to adorn their finger tips with fake nails emblazoned with their national flag.
There is also a golf simulator, juke box and big screen showing all the live action from across the 17 Glasgow 2014 events.
The International Olympic Committee banned the London 2012 organisers from installing an alcoholic bar in their village two years ago - but there is no such fuddy-duddyness in Glasgow at the aptly-named 9th Lane hostelry.
With the "bevvy" sure to flow once the party starts, the organisers have played it safe by making sure those free condoms are also on offer.
Most athletes, though, will be taking their events far too seriously to dabble in any late-night activity. However, it should be noted by anyone lucky enough to walk off with a medal, that the bar chillers are fully stocked with champagne.