With the dark dreary nights approaching, my good friend Fiona had what she thought was a bright idea.

“Please, Janice,” she begged.

“Will you come to the gym with me?”

Now this was a case of dejavu for me, and not in a good sense.

“Nope, I hate the gym.” I thought my answer was crystal clear.

“I swore I would never go back.”

“But no one else will go,” she pleaded.

“And there’s a very good reason why no one wants to go Fiona,” I added.

“It’s torture.”

But my friend was unperturbed and offered.

“I’ve got us a free pass and we’re booked in for an induction on Friday night.”

“OK Fiona.” My pal’s enthusiasm got the better of me.

“It’s no fun and you have been warned!”

But Fiona was extremely excited about having her first ever gym induction and seemed to have spent a small fortune on the run up to the big event.

“I’ve ordered new trainers, new socks, a new joggie suit and even a new sports bag.”

And sure enough she appeared at the gym looking like a model out of the Health and Fitness magazine, decked out in a navy and lime green jogging suit complete with matching headband, and brilliant white trainers.

We were met by Darren our gym instructor who looked about 14-years-old, but sounded as though he had been a gym instructor for the last twenty years.

“Welcome ladies, thank you for considering a gym membership with us and I look forward to sharing my workout knowledge and expertise with you.”

“Expertise?” I mumbled to myself.

“A treadmill is a treadmill.”

“We have 17 different pieces of exercise equipment which I will take you through.” He offered.

“And……..If you are lucky enough to have some time left, you can join in the ladies circuit class.”

“Fantastic.” I drawled sarcastically.

“I cannae wait.”

“Sounds brilliant Janice.” Fiona was too bubbly for my liking.

Darren guided us to the hydraulic rowing machine and talked us through its uses and health benefits.

“This is a lower body workout ladies,” explained Darren.

“It will work on the quads in the upper front of the thighs, however, the calves and glutes will also feel the burn.”

“What are burning glutes?” I had to ask.

“Buttock Janice, buttocks.”

Fiona sniggered as I popped the next question.

“Darren, can you pre-set the dials for me as I’ve forgotten my specs and cannae see a thing?”

Darren seemed to be getting a little impatient, but I was just being practical.

Fiona struggled on the rowing machine before continuing with five minutes on the exercise bike.

“Five minutes ladies on the treadmill next and then we will try the cross trainer.”

“Eh?” Fiona could barely stand as she dismounted the exercise bike.

“Surely we’re not going on every machine?”

“No, let’s move on and do some bench exercises,” he suggested.

“Let’s not.” I winked at my pal who looked frazzled.

Sure enough ten sit ups later Fiona was clenching her stomach in agony.

“Janice, this is bloody hard.”

“I did try and warn you Fiona,” I said to my weary pal.

Exhausted we followed Darren in to a small gym with eight different mats which meant eight different circuit exercises.

“You’re in luck ladies there are two mats free.”

“When the bell rings, jump up from your mat and run to the next one and workout for one minute.”

“We will do the circuit four times.”

“Four times?” Fiona was nearly in tears.

Up down, up down, up down.

We were like blinking jumping jacks moving from one mat to next until Darren left us to our own devices.

“Carry on ladies, I’ll be back in five minutes.”

No sooner had he left the room when I had a brilliant idea.

“When the bell ring girls, just roll from one mat to the next.”

“Eh?” Fiona was confused.

“Watch.”

A few second later the bell rang and I rolly pollyed from one mat to the next.

“See.” I was chuffed with my antics.

“Just roll as it’s much easier than jumping up and down.”

A few minutes later Darren appeared and was less than pleased when he saw ten women rolly pollying from one mat to the next.

“What on earth is going on in here?”

“Synchronised rolling Darren," I explained.

“It’s much easier on the joints.”

But Darren was raging.

“The point of the gym is to exercise Janice,” he puffed.

“Which is why you jump up and down from mat to mat.”

“Not roll from one to the other.”

Later that evening I turned to my dejected and exhausted pal.

“Well Fiona,” I joked.

“Was it fun?”

“The only fun part was doing the rolly pollys on the mats Janice.”

“The rest was brutal and I’ll never be back.”