“Hi mum, can you take us to Edinburgh airport tomorrow?” My son Ross text.

“Yes, no problem,” I replied.

“Thanks, we can take my car and you can drive it home.”

“Are you sure?”

I questioned, because his impressive new car was only two weeks old and I didn’t imagine he would let me park my bottom on the driver’s seat, never mind drive it.

“Hi Mae,” I phoned my pal.

“Do you fancy coming with me to Edinburgh airport tomorrow?”

The traffic on the M8 was a nightmare, but as we finally took the airport cut off Ross decided he should run through some of the workings of his pride and joy.

“Now its dead simple mum.” He held up the car key.

“You don’t need to use the key to start the engine.”

“Eh?” I couldn’t get my head around that one.

“So how the heck do I start the car then?” I wondered.

“Here on the dashboard is the start and stop button.”

I nodded.

“So all I do is press that button and hey presto, the engine will start?”

“Yep.” Ross continued.

“And all the buttons to adjust your seat are down the side here.”

This was sounding simple enough.

“How do I get the widow wipers and the lights on?”, I asked.

“Don’t worry about them as they come on automatically.”

Mae and I were confused.

“How does the car know when it’s raining?”, asked my pal.

Ross’s shoulders were shoogling with concealed laughter, however, I thought it was a perfectly reasonable question.

“And how does the car know when it’s getting dark?”

“This car is like something out of Back to the Future,” Mae reckoned.

But Ross soon stopped giggling when he realised that his prize possession was now in the hands of two technically empty-headed numpties.

“One more thing Ross,” I queried.

“Do I put in unleaded diesel or diesel?”

“Unleaded diesel?”

At this point he almost crashed the car.

“No mum …. Absolutely NOT.”

“This car only takes premium petrol.”

He reiterated. “Do not touch diesel.”

Ross seemed quite irate as he raised his hand again.

“This is the ticket to get through the exit barrier which will charge you £3.90.”

We nodded again as Ross pulled the car over, and thankfully left the engine running.

“Right Mae, adjust your seat and I’ll take you for a spin.”

“Oooo this is lovely,” Mae made herself comfy.

“I’ve never been in such a posh car before.”

Then she added. “Apart from my mum’s funeral car.”

So after much fiddling with the electronic buttons, we finally raised the seats so that our noses were practically touching the windscreen before I put my glasses on to make sure I was definitely in the right gear.

“This is the life Janice,” my pal looked happy.

“We could go a wee run again next Sunday.”

“No problem Mae, just let’s get out of this car park first.”

The four exit lanes were heaving with vehicles coming from all sides and finally at the ticket machine I reached out of the window and inserted the ticket but…..

“I cannae see anywhere to put the money in Mae.”

Next minute the machine spat the ticket back out so I put it in again, and again, and again.

“Press the help button,” Mae suggested.

“Hello, can I help you?” A young man sounded.

“I am at the exit barrier and I can’t find the slot to put the money in and the ticket keeps coming back out.”

“Madam, you must pre-pay at one of the pay stations before you get to the barrier.”

“My son didn’t tell us that.” I narked.

“So what do we do now?”

“I’m afraid you’ll have to go back and pay at the machine.”

Meanwhile the queue behind us was getting longer and longer.”

“You see this is my son’s new car,” I sounded exasperated.

“And it’s the first time I’ve driven it and I cannae work out how to put it into reverse gear.”

“But you’ll have to go back……”

“And apart from that,” I butted in.

“There are a million cars behind me and I cannae reverse into oncoming traffic.”

“And……..”

Hearing the panic in my voice.

“OK, OK madam, on this occasion just keep calm and I will lift the barrier.”

“Thank you so very much,” I gushed.

“You’ve no idea how relieved I am.”

And so was Mae who was now waving at the ticket machine whilst leaning over me shouting.

“Thanks very much son, we really appreciate it.”

However, the stress of driving continued as we got caught up in horrendous confusing roadworks and missed our turn off three times.

An hour and a half later I offered.

“That was quite a journey Mae.”

“Do you still want to go for a wee drive again next Sunday?”

“I’m not sure Janice,” she said sheepishly.

“Let’s see what the weather’s like.”