SOAPLAND’S film buffs will be reminded of that classic Mae West line, “Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?” on viewing EastEnders (BBC1).

Deposed Queen Vic landlady Peggy Mitchell is calling the shots and that “gun” in her pocket is, in fact, a drinks dispenser. She’s dressed as a cowgirl – Calamity Peggy – and shooting drinks from her weapon attached to bottle of tequila.

Pint-sized Peggy is determined to help the Vic’s new owner, Roxy, get punters back into the Albert Square pub. The plan suffers a hiccup when the Queen Victoria bust, used as the murder weapon to bash Archie on the bonce, is returned to the pub now that the PC Plods have closed the murder inquiry.

Roxy doesn’t want any reminders of her dead dad and has the ornament removed, leaving Peggy as the owner of the most famous bust in Walford.

Her tequila shots backfire (she should have used a silencer) when troublemaker Kylie causes, well, trouble and throws a pint in Peggy’s face.

Beer shampoo may be good for split ends but Peggy’s upset. Roxy throws out the problem drinkers out of the pub and then tells Peggy that her services are no longer required. But before she can have a go at Roxy she gets a call from the police station.

There she forms an unlikely alliance by aiding her nephew Danny Mitchell, who’s been taking into police custody to sober up. He repays her bailing him out by getting her back in Roxy’s good books – and the Queen Vic.

The other big news in Walford is that someone loves Lucy. Ian Beale’s daughter announces that she’s up the duff. Not to worry, she has it all worked out. She’s planning to give the baby to Ian and wife Jane to bring up. If only Ian hadn’t blabbed to Dot who tells Heather in a conversation overheard by someone else.

Cain and Charity. Will they, won’t they? And do we really care that they can’t decide whether they love or hate each other in Emmerdale (ITV1). Next week they get wed. This comes as a surprise to everyone, including the bride. Charity is lured to the register office and told she’s getting married to Cain. Instead of shopping with Chastity, she ends up being asked to say “I do” with Cain, who betrayed her over the recent van heist.

The constant bickering of Cain and Charity upsets daughter Debbie who does a runner from the village. Fed up with them arguing all the time, she takes daughter Sarah to Jersey where she’s been offered a job. Nice to know in these days of massive job losses that Debbie can find employment at the drop of a hat.

In Coronation Street (ITV1), little Simon Barlow is the centre of a tug-of-love squabble. Would it be hoping too much that the youngster is adopted by someone who lives a long way from Weatherfield so that we never see this irritating child again?

He gets as far as Blackpool with grandparents George and Eve but disappears during the trip. It comes at the end of a difficult week for them all.

Simon’s drunken dad Peter Baldwin gets arrested for breaking a window at George’s home and when he gets out of jail discovers George has won a temporary custody order for Simon.

The old chap reckons that staying in Blackpool and leaving their old life behind would be a good way of resolving the situation.

I wouldn’t want to be in George’s shoes when he tells Simon’s other grandfather Ken Barlow that he’s lost the little boy.