The Boys and The Bees: Why Do We Cheat?

I’ve always been intrigued about cheating, naturally not everyone is perfect but it truly has become the Voldemort topic of relationships. We don’t often talk about cheating because of the hurt we may have experienced in the past or even more so.

This week I caught up with three people who all admitted to cheating, all for different reasons and all with an interesting story to tell.

Greg, 25

Myself and my partner met on a night out at uni, we messed about a lot for around a year before we decided to 'officially' get together. We had a good relationship for about six months or so until my partner got suspicious whenever I did literally anything without her, whether it was going out with friends or even just wanting to study on my own for a bit. Her attitude eventually led me to cheat on her. Unfortunately I had developed the attitude of 'if you're going to accuse me of doing stuff behind your back I may as well just do it'. After another five months or so the relationship eventually broke down completely. Once the relationship started to go downhill I cheated on three separate occasions and as far as I'm aware she never found out. I feel bad about it looking back, but at the same time the relationship had started to deteriorate before that point and I knew it wasn't going to last.

Jen, 31

We had started off as really close friends before he left his girlfriend for me. It was a summer romance that just kept on going. We both grew as people but in very different ways which ultimately led to us growing apart. He became very manipulative and to be honest just a bit twisted. We fought a lot, fault on both sides. Then one evening he hit me and things got steadily worse. He bailed on me on New Year's Eve, I got drunk and slept with a guy from work.

We broke up a few months later because the trust issues that were already present had only gotten worse. I had realized just how easy it was to cheat on someone without them finding out so in the most peculiar way my own infidelity had made me not trust him. Crazy I know. But I don't think cheating is as black and white as people make it out to be. The person who got cheated on isn't always in the right, even if the cheater is always in the wrong.

Scott, 34

I was with my girlfriend for about four and a half years. She was perfect on paper: gorgeous, kind-hearted, funny, loving, pretty much everything a man could ask for. Looking further forward I also knew she would make an amazing wife and most likely a great mum to my kids. But for the longest time I always felt something was missing. We worked well together but there wasn't that spark, that feeling in the pit of your stomach that you just couldn't live without them. It was a 'nice' relationship but I craved 'spectacular'. I loved her but was I 'in' love with her? I still don't know if I was, but then maybe that just means no? I found my eye wandering on several occasions. I wasn't proud of it and I didn't tell a single person but I almost felt like I had to spend time with someone else to truly know how I felt about my girlfriend at the time. If I'm honest it didn't help, I wasn't really getting that spark with anyone so maybe it was just me that was the problem. I can't excuse my actions in any way I realise it's not an acceptable way to treat someone. Especially a 'good' person who wouldn’t dream of hurting me but I'd spent so long lost in my own confusion that I desperately needed some answers.

Three different situations with three different reasons. Again, it’s still difficult to excuse cheating but perhaps this at least gives us an understanding of why people do it. You might not always forgive someone for cheating, but if you confront them openly maybe at least you’ll get an explanation and won’t be left asking yourself ‘why?’ for the rest of your life. On the flipside, if you are the one who is cheating sometimes when you’ve been doing something wrong for so long you eventually forget that what you are doing is actually wrong. Take just one moment to put yourself in your partner’s shoes.

I still maintain that there is no truth in “once a cheater, always a cheater” but one saying I do believe in is “never forgive a cheater more than once.”

Have a great week!

PTB

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