STANDING on the pavement outside a church hall, I was patiently waiting on my lift home from work.

I couldn’t help but overhear a group of fairly large ladies who were gathered behind me in front of the church for a blether and a cigarette, as they seemed to be in the throes of a right good gab.

“I can manage fine on one meal a day,” spouted one very large lady.

“Really?” questioned another.

“How on earth do you keep going for a full day on one meal?”

All ears in the group were focused on the largest lady of the bunch.

“It’s fairly easy actually,” she replied before going on to unfold her apparently tried and tested dieting tips.

Noticing the size of her, I was indeed intrigued myself.

“First thing I do in the morning is have a fag.”

She then drew heavily on a cigarette before continuing.

“Then I follow that with a can of Irn Bru.”

The women were engrossed. (And so was I).

“Then about an hour later I have another fag.”

She paused to inhale again.

“And another can of Irn Bru and then …”

The very large lady then proceeded to go through her day hour by hour and enlighten the group of captivated slimmers on her first-class dieting suggestions, the likes of which I had never come across before.

However, I continued to listen in as the banter was highly amusing and it passed the time waiting on my unusually late lift.

“So you don’t have anything to eat at lunchtime either?” asked one unconvinced slimming buddy.

“Nope. Just another fag and a can, or maybe even two of Irn Bru,” she confirmed.

“And then …” she rambled on again.

This continued until a bright spark added.

“You probably burn quite a lot of calories in a day, what with running back and forth to the fridge and the toilet.”

I wasn’t sure if she was attempting to be funny or was actually being serious.

“So when do you eat?” came the million dollar question.

“Not till about half eight when I get the kids to bed.

“Oh. I couldn’t last that long,” chipped in another of the slimmers.

“What do you have then?”

“During the week I make myself up different salads,” replied the very large lady.

“I have two different types of cold meat, lettuce, tomato, onion, cucumber….”

So far so good. I thought to myself.

“Coleslaw, pickle, a couple of cheese slices, grated cheddar cheese and sometimes a Dairylea or two.”

“What?” asked another.

“Dairylea as well as cheddar cheese?”

“The secret in dieting is variety,” explained the very large lady, as though she was now an expert on the subject. “… a few sliced mushrooms, a sliced boiled egg and, if the weans have left any chips, I’ll add a couple of them at the side.”

She paused for another puff of her ciggie before adding: “And I always have a Mother’s Pride outsider with a scrape of Lurpak.”

OMG I thought. That is some size of salad. And with chips.

“So do you have that at the weekend too?” asked another.

By now I was praying my lift wouldn’t appear as I wanted to hear the weekend dieting tips.

“The weekend?” She looked aghast.

“Naw, don’t be daft. When you’ve been that strict with yerself all week, you need a wee break at the weekend.”

My shoulders were shaking with laughter as she continued.

“Friday night I usually have a Chinese, nothing too heavy mind, normally just a couple of spring rolls, then Chicken Fried Rice and a bottle of wine.

"But I never touch the prawn crackers. No they’re too fattening.”

The other women slimmers were on a knife-edge waiting on the rest of the weekend weight loss tips to unfold.

“Saturday’s my big blow out night,” she explained.

“That’s when I treat myself to a giant Munchie Box.”

“A what?”

The ladies seemed confused and so was I.

“It’s got chips, onion rings, chicken and vegetable pakora, donner meat, chicken wings and nan bread.”

She paused for another puff.

“Oh and you get a can of ginger and salad with that.”

Just as my lift pulled up the ladies shuffled back into the church for their weekly weigh-in and I couldn’t help but wish that I was a fly on the wall when the very large dieting expert stepped on the scales.