Have a laugh with Lewis McKenzie: 10 funny observations in a coffee shop

1. "Sure you can have a flat white...if you can tell me what it is..."

A coffee shop can be a daunting place for the part-time coffee drinker. There's a lot to choose from and to be honest, you can't really tell the difference between a cappuccino and a latte. Just as long as it doesn't taste too strongly (you like coffee, but let's not go crazy). Admitting to not knowing what type of coffee is which is fine. However at the other end of the spectrum, there are those who boldly stroll up to place that order and confidently insist that they want is, "A skinny flat white, with an extra shot and also that really fancy, special, long name type of coffee you have, that I can't really taste the difference of but it makes me sound clever and exotic to order. Yes, one of those please or something to that effect, I'd imagine. Look, you aren't fooling anyone. Just order what you think tastes half decent and isn't the most expensive option on the menu and leave humbly. Thank you.

2. "You and your friends are laughing really loudly, making lots of noise and it's totally throwing me off the whole, 'broody, sort of cool, intelligent coffee shop' look I've got going on here".

I'm sitting having a coffee and perusing the news of the day in my paper. I only sat next to you and your group of your hungover associates because there were literally no other places to sit that were free. And now I'm stuck here because I ordered a large mug and it's too hot to just down in one, I'm not a madman. But seriously, why are you maniacally laughing right in my ear about how crazy wild your night out was and how silly your best mate is for getting back with that guy she said she wouldn't is. I'm sure your banter really was on fire at the weekend but I honestly don't care.

3. "Oh great, now you're taking a #photo of the drink you got and it looks like I'm in the background..."

It's like you've forced me to be in a photo that you're going to post on every single social media profile you have. Now there's a pressure for me not to look totally weird. Like if I take a bite of my muffin right now and have a mouthful of muffin in the back of the shot, I'll look like a right idiot. And if I look at the camera and you check it and see me looking, then I'll seem really creepy. Plus you aren't going to take it again just for my benefit. This is absolutely a no-win situation.

4. "When they said free wi-fi, I really don't think they meant - stay in here the entire day and don't move for anyone or anything"

A standard browse of your e-mail or watching a video of someone calling over in a hilarious manner while having your coffee: acceptable. Spending about eight hours hogging a table, ordering one thing all day, and showing annoyance and hostility to anyone who dares threaten your peace and quiet in a very public place: unacceptable. When it's complimentary it doesn't make it cool to just take up residence somewhere every day of the week. And anyway, aren't there libraries for extended study with computer access? Hey, yeah there is! So why are you preventing me from taking a seat to have my drink and instead leaving me to stand around with fear in my eyes, locked on the contents of the mug spelling over the side and burning my skin. Selfish...

5. "Being asked what your name is by a barista isn't a personal insult"

So why act like it is? They're doing their job, asking your name so they can give you the right drink at the end instead of someone else taking it by mistake (or worse, on purpose - the horror). Just because they know your first name doesn't mean they will add you on Facebook, stalk you for the next few weeks, find out where you live and ultimately, steal your identity. This has never happened in the history of name taking at a coffee shop. Seriously, it's cool and not in any way a big deal. And also while mentioning this point, if they spell your name wrong, it doesn't mean they mean to cause you any great offence. Mistakes happen. Chill.

6. "I thought the British were famous for waiting?"

There's a long queue and a lot of drinks being made. I know, I know you're in a rush for that meeting you have in the next 11 seconds that you can't even contemplate the world of pain that would open up by being late for it, but if you literally wait just a few minutes more, you'll get your coffee. Good things come to those who wait, right?

7. "Yes I do possess a rewards card. But I won't lie to you, I don't know how it works"

Every time you asked me if I had a card and I said no, you asked me if I wanted one. Well in the end, you wore me down enough and I got one. But now I've had one fine the past year and a half, and I have done next to nothing with it. Half the time I forget about it and the rest of the time, I genuinely have absolutely no clue what this seemingly fantasy points system is or how it works. The only reward I've got from having one so far is that one time I dropped it and found a quid on the ground that I pocketed. A good day.

8. "You're trying to chat up the girl that served you that iced Americano one time before and she said it was her favourite drink too. It's not a connection"

Baristas, generally, are encouraged to be friendly and have some chat with customers. It's sort of part of the job. Yes you may have cracked a joke that the barista laughed at once, but that does not mean that you are suddenly two peas in a pod and will have a glorious life together. Your continual, embarrassingly poor flirting attempts are bold and that must be commended, but remember, if you play your hand and it backfires, be prepared to seek out alternative coffee shops.

9. "That different type of coffee you got didn't make you gassy...that's just you"

Something I genuinely heard. Probably not much more explanation needed really. Al I can say is, I assure you, if you are farting more often than normal, that is entirely your responsibility, don't blame it on the coffee beans.

10. "You're wearing a scarf and sunglasses in here, why?"

The weather is moderate. You're siting in the middle of a cafe whilst sporting sunglasses and a scarf. Is there any need for such behaviour? Absolutely not. You're having a coffee, not about to walk down a catwalk for a famous fashion designer. And even at that, you look like a moron. Make peace with that and do something that doesn't make you look so pretentious. The sooner, the better.