“SUSAN, there’s a very good reason why I haven’t stepped inside a gym in over two years,” I did my best to explain to my pal.

“I hate it with a passion.”

But Susan was having none of it.

“You were the one that said you needed to tone up Janice,” she said.

So the formidable Susan checked out the cheapest gym membership, and, one which had a short-term commitment.

Having spent a small fortune in the Christmas sales, we headed for lunch to discuss our purchases, and we soon became rather enthused about the prospect of wearing our new gym gear and our guaranteed body transformation in 2016.

On arrival at the gym we were met by Ryan, a rather hot looking young man who naively had no idea what trauma lay ahead of him.

“Right ladies follow me.”

And we did.

Complete with perfect make-up, coiffured hair and new matching gym gear.

“There are 12 different exercise and toning machines,” explained our sprightly young tutor.

“We can start with this one.”

The first one was a bit of a breeze, and so was the second, third and fourth, but by the time Susan and I were on to the fifth piece of equipment our breathing was somewhat strained, as we huffed and puffed like two asthmatic dragons.

“Janice, you sound like you’re on 40 fags a day,” commented my bitchy pal, knowing I had never smoked in my life.

“Well, you’re hardly a well-tuned engine,” I glanced at Susan who had beads of sweat surfacing through her melted face make-up.

Ryan was now getting rather tetchy by the fact that neither Susan nor I could set any of the dials on the gym equipment due to the fact that we hadn’t brought our reading glasses.

“I think he’s getting a bit hacked off with us,” I whispered to my pal.

“But we’ve only got the rowing machine left.”

Finally, as we rolled off the last piece of agonising equipment, Ryan yelled at us to grab a quick drink before we started on interval training.

“Must mean we get a break during each section,” I wrongly surmised, because Ryan’s idea of interval training and ours was very different.

“Come on ladies,” bellowed Ryan, who’s annoying tone was now getting right on our nerves.

“Now that you’re warmed up we can move on to a shortened version of interval training.”

The vacant look on our faces must have registered with our persecutor.

“Nothing to worry about ladies,” he nagged.

“Just listen to my instruction and we shall start with a four minute jog.”

Susan and I started at each other. “Jog?”

“Keep up the momentum,” he bullied us.

“Now change to a fast run for two minutes.”

“Eh?” I didn’t have the energy to glance backwards at my half-dead pal.

“Now let’s walk for one minute.”

“Ryan,” I gasped.

“You haven’t gotten to the interval part yet.

“Quick sprint ladies for 30 seconds.”

“Ryan I should have mentioned my knee injury,” Susan’s feeble attempt to opt out of the torture fell on deaf ears.

Finally, the slowest sprint in history ended and I was spread-eagled and stuck like a limpet to the freezing cold gym wall in a desperate attempt to cool down.

“Keep moving, keep moving ladies,” the masochistic trainer yelled at us.

“I could….” huffed Susan.

“I could……”

Susan finally spat out the words.

“Actually very slowly throttle that eejit.”

But as my tongue was now glued to the top of my mouth, I could only nod.

“Last three minute walk to cool down ladies, and we will call it a day,” he said.

However, those three minutes stretched to six minutes as my weary pal and I desperately clung to each other like two lost souls staggering through the sands of the Sahara Desert.

Susan’s legs buckled underneath her as we left the gym hall, but I ignored her as it was now every man for themselves.

“You’ve got the terms and conditions ladies,” stated the infuriating Ryan before heading off to find his next victims.

Our first pit stop was the Blue Lagoon for a fish supper followed by a much needed glass of wine.

“Do you know Susan?” I concluded.

“There’s nothing wrong with a wee bit of flab at our age.”

Susan nodded as she dropped the last greasy chip into her mouth.

“Yer right Janice,” my pal was now back in heaven.

“Let’s call it a day because if I ever clap eyes on that young Ryan again I’ll be done for murder.”

And I kind of suspected that the feeling was mutual.