FOLLOWING my disastrous attempt to get fit at the gym with my good pal Susan, I surprised myself with another brilliant idea.

“No need to attend a gym to keep fit Susan,” I finally had it sussed.

“I am going to turn my house into my very own DIY gym.”

“Yer whit?”

“Susan,” I enthused.

“This is a win win situation.”

“I come home from work, get changed, do my workout, have a nice warm shower and get straight into my jammies.”

Susan looked at me as though I had finally lost the plot.

“I already have an exercise bike and a hula hoop,” I said.

“And I can put together the rest.”

So, Saturday morning, pen and paper in hand, I did a recce of my house and put my plan of action in place.

Exercise one - 15 minute jog on the spot to warm up, lounge area.

Exercise two - 10 minute hula hoop, lounge area.

Exercise three - 20 sit ups, lounge area.

Exercise four - exercise bike for 10 minutes, kitchen.

Exercise five - run up and down stairs five times.

Exercise six - 20 press ups, bedroom floor.

Exercise seven - arm weights, bedroom.

Finish with stretching exercise, lounge area.

I admired my very professional list and couldn’t wait to get started.

After all, everything was on hand and it was definitely a cheap and convenient way to exercise.

Gym gear on, my Take That music DVD blared out of the telly as I began my jog on the spot.

But after only four minutes I stopped so that I could breathe again.

Next was my huge hula hoop, and I soon had it going great style round and round. Easy peasy.

Feet tucked under the couch I managed only eight sit ups, but hey ho, small steps.

Now, the very second I sat on the exercise bike I realised why it had remained in the back of the cupboard for so long, because it was absolute torture to sit on.

So I ran upstairs for my woolly hat to cushion the seat.

Next, I managed up and down the stairs five times, but reckoned walking was just as good as running.

I dropped on to the bedroom floor to do 20 press ups and squinting in the wardrobe mirror I realised I looked nothing like the fit folk on the telly, because I couldn’t get my stomach off the floor.

While standing with a large bag of Scotch broth in one hand and a plastic Irn bru bottle in the other for my much needed arm exercises, I noticed just how puny my arms were.

Completing the first round I gave myself an essential break.

“I’m doing really well,” I phoned my daughter.

“But I need to go as I’m now on to round two.”

I skipped the jog and went straight to the hula hoop, which was soon whirling round me like a tornado.

“It Only Takes A Minute Girl….” Take That blared in the background.

Somehow, in my enthusiasm, I had gotten too near the coffee table when suddenly the hula hoop caught the edge of my crystal lamp sending it crashing to the floor.

“Have A little patience…” blasted out from the telly.

“Patience?” I thought to myself.

“I’ll try the bike again,” I decided.

“And clear up the mess when I’m finished.”

Peddle, peddle, peddle. The bloody woolly hat suddenly slipped off the seat sliding me forward and on to the metal bar. “Argh……”

Take That again, “Relight My Fire.”

And I must admit that my nether regions were certainly on fire.

I missed out the stairs this round and after six press ups, hauled myself up on to my bed to pick up my DIY weights.

However, the plastic Irn Bru bottle must have leaked, and my white bed cover was now a patchy orange colour.

Rushing downstairs with my DIY weights in hand all I could hear was, “Could It Be Magic…..” and I somehow failed to notice that the bag of Scotch Broth mix had split, and a trail of barley and lentils followed me all round the house.

“Magic?” I muttered like a demented banshee, “Magic?”

Stepping out of the freezing cold shower, Take That, who were now getting right on my nerves blasted. “Today this could be the greatest day of my life……”

“No Susan,” I rambled down the phone.

“My bloody DIY gym was a disaster.”

“I’ve injured my nether regions, ruined my good lamp and bedspread,” I sniffled.

“And I’m still finding barley and lentils in strange places.”

“Any other cheap and convenient ideas Janice?” Susan chuckled.

“Well…..”