"Mediation Janice, that’s the key to a serene lifestyle," a pal of mine suggested, knowing that I had had a fairly stressful few weeks.

“Oh I’m not so sure,” I foolishly enquired.

“Isn’t that just for monks?”

“Don’t be daft,” he assured.

“With practice, anyone can learn to meditate.

“You just need to put aside regular time in the peace and quiet with no interruptions.”

That should be easy enough I thought.

I might as well give this mediation lark a go.

Sure enough, surfing the internet, I discovered dozens of meditation sessions on YouTube, and after listening to about half a dozen, I chose one called, Mediation and Abundance.

If I’m supposed to relax, I thought to myself, I might as well go the full hog and soak in a bubble bath while I meditate.

Simple.

The bathroom was lovely and warm, so after running a deep luxurious bubble bath, I filled the room with gorgeous scented candles and turned out the lights.

I stepped into the bath just as the meditation music began.

Soft swishy ocean sounds filled my bathroom and the tranquil music soon included the calming sound of pan pipes.

Swoosh, Swoosh, the ocean waves sounded so realistic, I imagined I was on an exotic beach.

“Hello and welcome,” the male voice sounded calming.

“This is a gift for you.

“Abundance surrounds us, so let’s look at you and your life.”

I opened one eye and squinted in the mirror before settling down to concentrate on my new plan for relaxation.

“My voice is the only sound you will hear,” it continued.

“Mmmmm,” I was loving this and quickly started to feel my body relax.

However, my short bout of serenity was suddenly shattered by next door’s dog barking right outside my bathroom window, and I couldn’t help but start to feel agitated.

“You will hear nothing but my voice as I count down from 10 to one, getting deeper and deeper into a more and more relaxed state,” the voice insisted

I tried to ignore the very loud repetitive barking and concentrate on my mentor.

“10…. nine……eight…...” the soothing voice continued.

“You are becoming very very relaxed.

“Your body is getting lighter and lighter.”

Ding-a-ling, ding-a-ling, next minute the doorbell chimed.

“Who on earth can that be?” I wondered.

But decided there was no way I was getting out of this warm bath as I needed to concentrate on the meditation more than ever.

“Seven….. Six…...” swoosh, swoosh, the waves continued.

“You will now start to visualise a funnel of purple light passing through your body,” I was told

My eyes were shut tight as I tried my best to visualise purple light passing through my body, however, next minute ...

Ring ring, ring ring. My bloody mobile rang.

"Mum and Dad," flashed on the screen but I decided to ignore it.

“Five……. four….. you are experiencing the feeling of immense relaxation and abundance.”

Ring, ring, ring ring.

Argh…..what if it’s something urgent, I pondered.

“Hi dad, what up?” The soapy water dripped down my arm on to my new mobile.

“Oh nothing urgent hen, we just wanted to let you know that our heating’s fixed.”

“That’s great,” was my curt reply, as I wanted to quickly pick up on my meditation.

“Two….. one……. you feel calm and are now totally relaxed,” my mentor assured.

“You hear nothing but my voice.”

Suddenly my washing machine, which was just through the wall, went on to full spin and rattled loudly against my bathroom wall.

“Every molecule of your being is feeling more and more relaxed.”

Alerts were now going off on my mobile, and I was so annoyed with myself for not switching the thing off.

“You are feeling totally calm and relaxed,” it continued to insist.

However, I still wasn’t quite getting the calm and relaxed feelings I was promised.

“You should now be experiencing a calm state of mind.”

The pan pipes and ocean swooshing sounds were starting to grate on my nerves a bit.

“You are a spiritual being and have an enormous desire to listen to this frequently for 30 days.”

30 days, I thought to myself while getting more and more annoyed.

I can barely manage 20 minutes peace and quiet.

Ring ring, ring ring.

Furious, I grabbed my mobile.

“What now?” I roared down the phone like a demented banshee.

“Can I not get a bloody minute to myself?”

“Sorry, have I caught you at a bad time?” my sister Jean dared to ask.

My mentor was still prattling on.

“You should now have reached the jewel of life ... utter calmness.”

Stepping out of the cold bath, I realised that at least for now, my search for the jewel of life had definitely evaded me.