A WEEK today I am going on holiday.

It’s not really something you should advertise, in a newspaper and on the world wide web. However, I can divulge this information safe in the knowledge that my one-year-old cat Elsie is already a formidable huntress.

Judging by the size of her prey (birds have been dragged through the cat flat which are near enough bigger than she is) any would-be robbers would be foolhardy to attempt any sort of break-in.

This time next week, I should hopefully be en route to the White Isle for a week of sun, relaxation and a few glasses of Vino Collapso.

I enjoy a blast of the sun as much as the next person but I’m up at the crack of dawn bagging the best lounger by the pool. I’ll quite happily take the one in the shade.

However, this year, I’ve top trumped, even the most committed sun worshippers.

I’ve bagsied a sun lounger, from the comfort of my flat, 1,672 miles from Ibiza. But this is no ordinary lounger.

A virtual beach towel with a giant palm tree is right this minute laid out on a double bed, on the beach, no duvet required.

We are booked up for Nikki Beach, below, one of the island’s new exclusive beach clubs. It’s another fact, I shouldn’t be divulging because the website says, ‘Tell Only Your Best Friends’ but there you go, as my best friends know, I do find it very hard to keep a secret.

Located on the East coast of the island in Santa Eulalia, overlooking the Mediterranean Sea, Nikki Beach Ibiza opened in 2012 and has established itself as one of Ibiza’s must do destinations.

Here, wealthy traders, celebrities, and aspiring socialites come to sunbathe, crack open a €25,000 bottle of Cristal and sway to mellow house beats. However, prices start at around 25 euros for a Hamacas (their name for a deck chair) and the owners are keen to stress that it's not beyond the price tag of regular holidaymakers.

The website for Nikki Beach, features a lithesome, bronzed goddess wearing nothing but a white fluffy waistcoat and a feather in her hair.. This is the image I will be cultivating as I peruse the goods in the “lifestyle boutique.”

It opens at 11am, presumably for breakfast in bed and hopefully without the toast crumbs.

The club is a new rival to the Blue Marlin, perhaps the most famous celebrity hotspot on the island, which has welcomed the likes of Beyonce, Nicole Scherzinger, Sylvester Stallone and Elle Macpherson while Jay-Z, Idris Elba and US socialite Paris Hilton have booked bunks at Nikki Beach. Indeed, the first Trip Advisor review I see compares the experience to, ‘Like Being a Celebrity for the Day.’

Such is the club’s popularity, guests must book a beach bed weeks in advance.

So I’m booked up for a standard double, which comes with (bedside) table service although I’m pretty sure Kate Moss will have a four poster and there will be no toast crumbs.