Menopause.

It’s a peculiar word that many women (and even some men) fear.

For some females, even the very thought of approaching this precarious time in their life can lead to all sorts of unimaginable troubles.

“Colin says I’m menopausal,” stated one of my pals.

“Really?” I dared to ask.

“What makes him think that?

“I’m not quite sure,” she seemed rather bemused.

“Perhaps it’s because I completed flipped when he was chomping his way through his Crunchy Nut Cornflakes.”

I knew where this was going.

“The crunching noise was grating on my nerves, and before I knew it I had screamed at him to stop the bloody noise.”

We quietly nodded as she added.

“He stared at me in silence for ages before declaring that I was either completely mad or menopausal – or both!”

Seems that without realising it, my pal had turned into a bit of a menopausal dragon.

“It’s the bloating,” added another.

“I went up three clothes sizes and thought my trousers had shrunk in the wash!”

“And the heat,” another continued with her moan.

“What’s that all about?”

“Stupidly I decided to try on a pair of leather trousers in Next, and due to the tropical conditions in the changing room, and what with the heat and sweat from my body, they stuck to my legs like superglue.”

It sounded funny, but I had had a similar experience and knew exactly how she felt.

“I couldn’t get them up and I couldn’t get them down,” she moaned.

Apparently, she had to slowly separate herself from the tight leather trousers by peeling them off bit by bit like a banana skin.

“Janice you should try talcum powder,” another pal had a bright idea.

“I use talcum powder to soak up the sweat during the night if I feel the heat building up.”

But I was ahead of the game with that one and had experienced rather disappointing results.

“Talcum powder?” I laughed.

“Sweating like I’d been lying in the mid-day desert sunshine, I got up one night at 4am and shook talcum over every single part if my body.”

My pals honed in for any tip that might help their menopausal insomnia.

“But when I got up in the morning, the combination of sweat and talcum powder had blended into a lovely white Plaster of Paris which attempted to set in every crease of my skin.”

The girls were howling with laughter.

“But fortunately it was still too wet to set!”

After the laughter died down another good pal suggested.

“Janice, have you tried the new Ladycare magnet?”

But before I could get a word in she started to excitedly explain to the girls about her latest discovery.

“You place the Ladycare magnet, which is about the size of a 50 pence, down the front of your pants.”

She barely drew breath as she added.

“And after a few days apparently it can help reduced the symptoms of the menopause by rebalancing part of the Autonomic Nervous System.”

None of us really knew what that meant, but as I attempted to interrupt her again she continued to ramble on.

“It’s a completely natural remedy and only costs about £30.”

My pals were getting rather excited about this new menopausal solution, however, yet again I was ahead of the game with this device.

“I’m afraid it didn’t quite work for me,” I confessed.

“But to be fair, perhaps it was partly my own fault,” I continued with my saga as my pals wondered what I had been up to.

“I did as instructed and placed the magnet at the front of my knickers, and all was well for the first few days.”

“This sounds like it might be worth a try.” Susan still seemed keen on the concept until I explained.

“Walking round my very large open plan office for the third time that day whilst wearing a black blouse and black trousers, I was suddenly stopped in my tracks by my female colleague Nicola.”

“Why, did it slip out of your clothes?” Susan suggested.

“No, I wish it had.” I could feel my face going red even explaining my situation.

“Nicola couldn’t speak to me for laughing but kept pointing to the front of my trousers.”

Eventually she asked. “Janice, what on earth is that?”

“And when I looked down I discovered I had three large paperclips stuck to my crotch area.”

“Eh?”

“That’s right girls,” I confirmed

“As some point during the day I must have leant over a desk and the large paperclips stuck to my Ladycare magnet underneath my trousers.”

“Oh no.”

“On no right enough.” I cringed.

“I must have been walking about for God knows how long with them stuck to my crotch and no one said anything.”

Topping up our glasses I asked my pals.

“Anyone got any more bright ideas?”