My friend Mae called with yet another intriguing invitation.

“Hi Janice, I’ve put you down for a Reiki session.” Mae sounded as bubbly as ever.

“Eh?” I had no clue what my pal was offering.

“Reiki,” she repeated.

“Reiki.

Silence.

“Japanese Reiki.” Mae sounded like a demented parrot whilst her tone made me feel like the only person on the planet who hadn’t heard of blinking Reiki.

“It’s £20 for a 45 minute session,” she offered.

“What is it supposed to do for me?” I was curious to know.

“Well Janice, it’s a Japanese technique used for stress reduction and relaxation which can also promote healing.”

My pal sounded as though she was reading from a leaflet she’d just picked up.

“I’m really none the wiser Mae, but I’ll give it a go.”

‘What’s the worst than can happen? I reckoned.

After all, I’m only lying on a bed snoozing.

“On arrival at Mae’s flat I was introduced to Andrea, the Reiki practitioner as Mae explained.

“Christine is running late, so you go first Janice.”

Then she offered.

“Can I get anyone a glass of wine?”

“No alcohol before or after the session.” Andrea was quick to nip that idea in the bud.

“We need to keep our energy channels clear.”

Andrea then took centre stage in the living room (even although she only had two students) and began to pass on the benefits of Reiki.

“Now ladies, this is a “laying on hands” experience which is based on the idea that an unseen “life force energy” flows through us and this is what causes us to be alive.”

Mae and I rolled our eyes at each other.

“If one’s “life force energy” is low, then we are more likely to get sick or feel stress, and if it is high, we are more capable of being happy and healthy.”

“Let’s get started.” I offered.

But Andrea hadn’t quite finished her repertoire.

“The treatment feels like a wonderful glowing radiance flowing through and around you.”

Barely stopping for breath she added: “Reiki treats the whole person including body, emotions, mind and spirit creating many beneficial effects including relaxation and feelings of peace, security and wellbeing.”

We nodded.

“Some people even feel sensations of heat, tingling, or experience seeing colours, whilst others can have an emotional response, allowing harmony to be restored.”

Taking off my shoes, I lay on the bed, closed my eyes and was covered with a blanket whilst listening to the harmonious sound of pan pipes.

Andrea gently put her hands on my forehead and very soon I started to relax.

“Deep breaths Janice.”

Ahhhh…. This is actually very relaxing, I thought to myself.

Soon I felt her hands, which were strangely hot, move to my shoulders.

The soothing sound of a waterfall helped me drift into deeper relaxation.

Mmmm….. This is the life.

Suddenly, I nearly jumped out of my skin..

Crash. Clutter. Bang. Mae sounded like a bull in a China shop in her nearby kitchen.

Trying desperately to get back on track I was then interrupted by the doorbell chiming.

“Hi Christine, in you come.”

“Hi Mae, it’s a lovely night isn’t it……”

And the pair continued to squawk loudly throughout the rest of my treatment.

I had now given up hope of chilling out and decided just to make the most of the pleasant music when it came to an abrupt halt, and I knew that Andrea couldn’t pause her treatment to put it back on.

Lying there……Clip clop. Clip clop. Clip clop. Christine sounded like a Clydesdale Horse walking around Mae’s wooden floored living room.

Next, Do do do do. Do do do. Do do do do. Do do do. Mae’s mobile sprung to life blaring out the theme tune from Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Finally the girls stopped yakking, when exhausted and frazzled I entered living room and they could tell by the look on my face that my treatment had definitely not had the desired effect.

“How was it Janice?” Mae dared to ask.

“I can’t see the wonderful glowing radiance Andrea promised.”

Now the last 45 minutes of sheer annoyance had built up somewhat, so I took a deep breath before I started my rant.

“You’re right Mae, I don’t seem to have a glimmer of wonderful glowing radiance.”

“And…. I’ve lost any hope of feeling peace, security and wellbeing.”

Silence.

“I did see colours though.”

My pals looked at my face for a glimmer that something had gone right.

“I definitely saw red for the last 45 minutes.”

“Oh no…… was that anything to do with us?” Christine naively asked.

“Do you mean the clattering dishes, the shoe stomping, the blaring mobile ring tones, or the endless loud chat?”

Silence.

“A glass of wine please Mae and perhaps harmony can be restored.”

“But….” Mae protested.

“What about your energy channels?”

“Argh….”