For some people DIY can be a bit of a nightmare, especially when they think they know what they’re doing, but really haven’t a clue.

And let’s face it, some people shouldn’t even try.

I blame it on the countless DIY programmes on the telly where we watch experts sawing, chopping, hammering, painting and seemingly creating masterpieces as ease.

“I watched a guy on 60 Minute Makeover lay a carpet in ten minutes,” my pal’s husband Dave pointed out.

“It looked like a piece of cake.”

Fiona wondered what was coming next.

“So I’ve decided to lay the living room carpet myself and save us paying for a carpet fitter,” he announced.

“But…..”

“No buts,” Dave was serious.

“It’s just a plain beige carpet Fiona.”

“How difficult can it be?”

Resigning herself to her enthusiastic husband’s idea, Fiona thought it best to appreciate his efforts to save money.

“OK thanks Dave,” she smiled.

After clearing the large living room of all furniture, Dave, who had every new carpet fitting tool under the sun strapped to his waist, got down to the business of laying Fiona’s new carpet.

Apparently, after ten minutes Fiona noticed that her husband was sweating like a polar bear in a sauna, but thought it best to stay well clear of the living room until the job was done.

“I’m not sure if it was the fluff from the carpet or the fact that he’s a bit overweight Janice,” Fiona pointed out.

“But he huffed, puffed and wheezed like an old out of tune accordion for nearly two hours until he shouted.”

“Job done Fiona, come and have a look.”

“Well, initially it looked amazing Janice.”

“It was wall to wall luxury and the smell of the new carpet was wonderful.”

I nodded in agreement.

“But then…….”

“What’s that Dave?” Fiona pointed to the middle of the floor.

“Argh……..”

Seemingly poor Dave had unknowing carpeted over his new, expensive deluxe carpet trimmer which caused a huge bump right in the middle of the living room floor.

“The air was blue.” Fiona rolled her eyes.

“And I could only calm him down with a beer and a cigarette before he attempted to lift the carpet and recover his tool.”

I thought I would attempt to allay Fiona’s fears that her husband wasn’t the only man on the planet who was useless at DIY.

“Did I ever tell you about the time the delivery of my double bed caused mayhem in my house?”

Fiona shook her head.

“Well, many years ago my partner Jim and I had just moved into a semi-detached house.”

Fiona and the rest of my pals were all ears.

“We had been sleeping on a blow up bed for weeks until I finally got a call telling me our new double divan was being delivered next morning.”

The girls were wondering where I was going with this story.

“Sure enough the van pulled up with our bed, but the delivery guy said he had no time to help Jim upstairs with it, so dragged it out of the van and left it on our front grass.”

“Luckily for us, Alan, our next door neighbour hadn’t left for work so agreed to help Jim upstairs with the bed.

“Couldn’t you help”? Christine asked.

“I was too small to grip the bed,” I explained as I added.

“The guys turned the bed every way possible and were in and out of the house a dozen times with the blinkin thing, however, it just seemed too big to manoeuvre up the staircase.”

“So what did they do next?” Fiona asked.

“Well, I was frustrated watching them so decided to head to the shops for a while.”

“But when I returned I couldn’t believe my eyes!”

“Was the bed back on the grass?” Mae asked.

“On no Mae, the bed wasn’t on the grass.”

I paused for effect.

“But my bloody hall banister was.”

“Eh?” Christine couldn’t get her head around that one.

“Hand rail, spindles, the lot.”

None of the girls knew what to say so I continued to explain.

“The bright sparks decided that as there was no way the bed would fit up the staircase that their only option was to saw off my banister.”

“Oh no,” Fiona sighed.

“Oh no right enough Fiona,” I repeated.

“Because what they then discovered when the double bed was finally upstairs was that the blinkin thing had a clip on either side, which when released allowed the bed to fold in half.”

“So it would have fitted up the staircase after all?” Mae asked.

“Yes Mae, it would have fitted after all.”

And before she could ask anything else I added.

“Do you think every time someone buys a new bed it means there is a chance they will have to saw off their bannister?”

Smiling Fiona added.

“That makes my Dave look like an expert after all.”