WITH my holiday to Andalucía in Spain looming, I realised that I needed to try and get a bit of colour about my body before I stripped down for the hot climate.

With our good old Scottish weather my body had barely seen daylight, never mind sunshine, in the last nine months.

People assume because I have dark hair that I will naturally be dark skinned or take a golden tan.

But the reality is that, I’m pale. Very pale.

And no matter how many times in the past I have endured sunbathing to get a bit of colour about me, I have always come home whiter than all of my friends (although red-head Alison does turn a particularly colourful pink).

A few years ago when I returned from Majorca with my female golfing buddies, we headed for a night out in Glasgow, and every one of the group had a glowing tan except me.

On standing at the bar a couple of old codgers couldn’t help but get in on our holiday conversation.

“So where have you all been on holiday then?” asked one.

“Majorca,” was the reply.

“Majorca?” laughed the second old man before turning to me.

“And what about you hen?” he smirked.

“I take it you went to Millport.”

He thought he was hilarious until my icy glare wiped the smile of his weathered face.

My travel buddies knew better than to slag off my lack of colour.

But, I had to admit that while the others looked bronzed and healthy, I did look as though I had just stepped off the Millport ferry.

So, ahead of my trip to Andalucía, I decided to head to Boots to buy the latest instant tanning lotion I’d seen advertised on TV.

‘Instantly gives skin the warm, golden glow of a natural tan,’ it promised.

That’s the one for me I reckoned.

At the till, I handed over my ‘holiday in a bottle,’ to a young Asian female assistant.

“Oh, everyone seems to be buying this new product,” she told me.

“It’s flying off the shelves.”

“I know,” I agreed.

“I was lucky enough to get the last bottle.”

But instead of leaving it at that, I continued.

“Oh well. At least that’s something you don’t need to bother with,” I remarked, “because you’ve got a lovely colour as it is.”

“Oh do you think so?” she smiled.

“Definitely,” I nodded. “I’d love to have a bit of colour about me.”

“I stay out of the sun as much as I can because I don’t want to get any darker,” the assistant replied.

And at that point she rolled up her shirt sleeve to reveal a two toned arm. Part had been in the sun and part obviously hadn’t.

“That was just one afternoon,” she said.

I joined in and rolled up my sleeve and put my pale arm next to hers.

“That’s two sunbeds and three lots of fake tan.”

“Isn’t it strange?” I laughed.

“You’re dark and want to be lighter and I’m light and want to be darker. We’re never happy, are we?”

We both chuckled before I left with yet another version of fake tanning lotion.

Next morning when I looked in the mirror, my new product did seem to have worked right enough and I was happy with my healthier looking glow.

However, later in the evening my daughter caught sight of my bare arms.

“Mum, have you been to work like that?”

“Like what?”

“Like that,” she said pointing to a large white streak running down the back of my right arm.

Aaaargghh!!! Back to Boots for me.

However, my sun tanning episode reminded of an incident a few years back when my dad came home one afternoon and announced he had been for a sunbed.

He’s in his seventies so we all shrieked at the very thought.

“A sun bed?” I finally gasped.

“Well, yer mum and I didn’t get a holiday this year,” he explained, “and I was looking awfy peeli-wally.”

“So how long did you go on the sunbed for?” asked my sister Jean.

“Just 10 minutes.”

“But you only left here 20 minutes ago,” I pointed out.

“By the time you got changed and ...”

We couldn’t understand why he had been so quick.

“Oh, I didn’t bother taking my clothes off,” he admitted.

“Eh?”

“Oh no. What was the point? I only wanted my hands and my face done.”

“So you lay on the sunbed with all of your clothes on?”

“Yep. Even kept my shoes on.”