“STEAK PIE? Steak pie?” I squawked when my daughter Jenna announced that this was to be our Christmas dinner this year.

“What’s wrong with turkey?” I dared to ask.

“We have that every year,” was the curt reply.

And I never did work out the reasoning behind that one.

But given that Jenna had offered to cook again for the fourth year in a row, I could hardly complain at her choice of menu.

However, my steak pie dinner then churned up a hilarious discussion about the trials and tribulations of Christmas dinner.

“Turkey?” Questioned Fiona.

“Well after last year’s fiasco we’re giving turkey a miss too Janice.”

And we were all intrigued to find out what happened to Fiona’s turkey.

“My mum invited 15 of us for Christmas dinner and, I’m not sure if it was down to the stress of it all, but every time I popped into the kitchen, I caught her taking another fly swig of the port I had brought for my port and lemon cocktail, she said.

“She’s allowed a wee drink at Christmas,” we decided.

“I know,” agreed Fiona.

“But by the time the turkey was ready to be served, she was steaming drunk.”

We were all ears.

“As she attempted to lift the huge bird out of the oven, she staggered, and the turkey toppled off the roasting tray and glided from one end of the long kitchen floor right to the other end before coming to a halt at my feet.”

We didn’t know what to say.

“And it got worse,” Fiona continued.

"The splattered turkey grease turned the kitchen floor into a treacherous skating rink.”

“One by one, as people came in to see what all the commotion was about, they slipped and slid across the greasy floor before finally falling over.

“Honestly Janice, it looked like we were having a game of Twister on my mum’s kitchen floor.

“And……the best of it was, she was spread-eagled under the pile of bodies, pie-eyed.”

Attempting to assure Fiona that she wasn’t the only one with a disastrous turkey fiasco, Julie added.

“My mum bought what she thought was a 10.5lb turkey, but… when she got home my dad took great delight in pointing out that it was actually a 10.5kilo bird, which was the size of a bloody ostrich.”

We were in hysterics.

“The only way she could get it in the oven was to take all the shelves out, wrap the bird in tin foil, and stand it upright.”

Julie seemed unimpressed with her mum’s desperate efforts.

“And, because it was so blinkin' big, we didn’t start dinner until half past nine that night.”

A Christmas dinner dilemma then sprung to mind for Margaret.

“My dad cooks the turkey every year and everything runs like clockwork,” she said.

“However, as always, he had prepared everything before we left the house to visit relatives while the turkey cooked.

“And yes, you’ve guessed it, he forgot to switch the oven on.”

“No Christmas dinner for you then?” I wrongly surmised.

“Oh yes Janice,” Margaret added.

“We started with the homemade soup, followed by Christmas pudding and ... hours later, when it was finally cooked, we had the turkey.”

“I stuffed the neck instead of the other end and left the giblets in our turkey,” Mae admitted.

“And I think I overcooked it because our jaws were killing us chewing through the dry, tough meat, so I think I’ll give turkey a miss this year as well Janice.”

“But …” she continued.

And there’s always a ‘but’ where Mae’s involved.

“My worst disaster was when I decided to end our meal with my Brandy Surprise,” she said.

“Eh?” we were intrigued.

“Yep, I made a Christmas pudding and drizzled brandy over the top of it," she said.

“But unfortunately, I must have drizzled the brandy over the pudding and on to the paper table cloth as well.”

Mae took a deep breath.

“So when I lit the pudding, the flame carried down the pudding and on to the paper tablecloth which caught fire and the flames were rapidly heading towards the dried holly centre piece.”

We were silently visualising Mae’s Brandy Surprise bonfire when she added.

“Suddenly, all hell broke loose and in a panic, everyone lifted their drink and attempted to douse the rising flames.”

“OMG,” we gasped in unison.

“The table and food was scorched and sodden and so were those of us who sat near the Brandy Surprise.”

So, all-in-all, perhaps Jenna’s Christmas steak pie is not such a bad idea after all.

Merry Christmas.

Janice x