“I AM so looking forward to our weekend,” I enthused to my pals Christine, Mae and Julie.

“I really do need some quality time to unwind and catch up on my sleep.”

“Me too,” Christine and Julie agreed.

Except for Mae.

“Don’t really fancy a spa day,” she confessed.

“I’m not sure I like the idea of being man-handled in a treatment room.”

“Don’t be so daft,” I laughed.

“Spa treatments are designed to make you relax.”

Having sourced a cheap online deal, we settled for a stay in a Scottish Highland castle, which for the money, seemed almost too good to be true.

And right enough, after checking in, I scanned the tartan clad bedroom and couldn’t help but notice that it was rather drab and somewhat dated.

“The pictures on the website are a lot nicer that the actual rooms,” Mae commented.

Christine and Julie were in the adjoining room so Mae and I nipped in for a nosey, only to discover that their room was even more tired and dingy looking than ours.

“Never mind,” I tried to lift their spirits.

“We won’t be spending a lot of time in our rooms anyway.”

Next day we read the menu to choose our pamper treatment, when Christine announced.

“I’m opting for the Seaweed bath,” she decided.

“It sounds lovely and according to this it has therapeutic benefits such as stress relief and body toning amongst other things.”

“I’m still not up for anyone man-handling my body,” Mae was adamant.

“So I’m going for the green mud face and neck mask.”

“Well, I don’t mind being man-handled for an hour,” laughed Julie.

“So I’m going for the Shiatsu Massage.”

“Shi…. Whit?” Mae was puzzled.

“It’s a form of Japanese bodywork that uses localized finger pressure in a rhythmic sequence on acupuncture meridians.”

Julie continued.

“Each point is held for two to eight seconds to improve the flow of energy and help the body regain balance.”

Mae looked none the wiser.

“What about you Janice?” Christine asked.

“I’m going for Reflexology as it’s supposed to stimulate nerve function, increase energy, boost circulation, induce a deep state of relaxation, which I really need, and eliminate toxins," I gushed.

“The list of benefits is endless.”

Having changed into our less than fluffy whitish dressing gowns, we sat like hospital patients waiting to be called for our treatments.

All four of us were invited in to separate adjoining treatments rooms to begin our hour of luxury, and that’s when the fun began.

As their walls were paper thin, we could hear every sound.

“Argh…….” Christine’s screams could be heard for miles.

“I thought this was going to be hot.”

Apparently her seaweed bath water was slightly tepid and the seaweed was cold and slimy and stuck to her naked body like dead fish.

I laughed, but the smile was soon wiped off my face when David, my reflexology expert grabbed hold of my foot, because I had forgotten how sensitive my feet were and every time he touched a pressure point, my foot shot up in the air in agony.

My body was soon rigid with tension.

“Sorry, but I’ve had enough.”

I shot off the bed like a scalded cat and grabbed my dressing gown.

Sitting in the hallway, I barely recognised Mae who now resembled Kermit the Frog, as she sat with her face plastered with green mud.

Her big blue eyes shone out like beacons as she explained.

“I feel like an idiot sitting here Janice," she said.

“I’m getting changed and heading to the bar.”

But by the time we reached the bar, Julie was already downing the dregs of her first glass of wine.

According to her, her Shiatzu masseur had literally hit a nerve and she was now in agony.

A couple of drinks later and the old timer behind the bar let slip that in fact, the castle was haunted.

Well … say no more.

That night, our adjoining bedroom door was wedged open, both rooms had every light on, and we all sat propped up with pillows afraid to close our eyes.

Checking out and loading our bags into the car I notice that Christine looked the best out of a scary looking bunch, although she was somewhat irritable with the lack of sleep.

Julie was hobbling slightly as her back still hadn’t clicked back into position.

I looked like Alice Cooper, with huge dark circles under my eyes, a whiter that white face and wild unkempt hair.

And Kermit, I mean Mae, still had a very slight green tinge to her complexion.

Attempting to be funny I said: “Same time next year girls?”

No one replied and the long journey home was deadly silent, apart from the sound of Kermit snoring.