At last, the big day had finally arrived for me and my pal Mae.

We had booked our holiday six weeks prior and had counted down the days until we were finally about to feel the heat on our bones, enjoy the sea breeze, and relax.

Totally relax.

The thought of lazing and grazing, as Mae put it, certainly appealed.

“Have a great time.”

“Look after yourselves”.

Our group of pals wished us a great holiday. “Hope all goes well.”

But the night before we set sail on our seven day cruise, Mae phone me in a panic.

“Janice,” she sounded hyper.

“I’m sure my suitcase is well over the weight limit.”

“Well, do the obvious and weigh the blinkin thing.” I snapped at Mae because I was in a bit of a guddle myself.

“Remember last weekend we each bought those hanging scales for our suitcases?”

“But….…”

Mae then went on to explain how, in her attempt to cut open the plastic packaging, she had accidentally cut through the black cord which hangs on the door handle, rendering them useless!

"Brilliant,” I thought to myself.

“This is a great start to our holiday.”

All was fine at check in and we were pleased to finally be on our flight when we quickly became aware of a couple behind us bickering about their seats.

“What a commotion over nothing,” I pointed to the nippy couple before the woman turned to me.

“It’s not actually us that are in the wrong seats.” She accused.

“It’s you two.”

Sheepishly we lifted all our belongings and had no clue why were weren’t in 27A and 27B!

Nearing the end of our flight having had a glass of wine and a good old natter, we were suddenly interrupted by the captain informing us that unfortunately a fellow passenger had taken ill, and that we would need to remain on board the aircraft until the sick traveller was carted off in and put in an ambulance.

And that’s when all hell broke loose.

A very irate female passenger suddenly kicked off because, in her own words, she was ‘gasping for a fag’.

Her language was colourful to say the least, and we shook our heads as she was restrained by her friends.

Stress free? Relaxing? I think not.

At last we were on board and for the next seven days we were completely disorientated.

You see, the ship had ten decks, which to us, meant 10 floors of utter delirium because we had no clue which side of the ship we were on, where our cabin was, or indeed anything else on board.

“Can I help?” asked a helpful crew member as we passed him for the fourth time.

“No thanks,” I lied, because we couldn’t admit we still couldn’t find our cabin after four days!

“We are just stretching our legs.”

Day five and it was very windy up on the top deck as we attempted to sunbathe.

But just as Mae bent over to apply more sun cream, the strong wind caught the back of her sun lounger and whacked her right on her forehead causing a large bump.

So, we decided to take refuge below deck, but were soon greeted by lots of white suited crew members who ushered us off the deck.

“Maybe it’s dangerous with the strong winds.” Mae surmised.

But no. Apparently an elderly gentleman had taken ill and needed urgent treatment.

The Captain’s voice tannoyed to inform us that we would need to stop the ship to wait on a helicopter coming from Gran Canaria to airlift the sick passenger to the hospital.

An hour later, the helicopter arrived and we watched as the poor chap swished from side to side mid-air as he was winched into the helicopter.

“That’ll finish him off if he opens his eyes mid-air,” Mae concluded.

Our last day was spent in Gran Canaria, and we were tired after hours shopping when Mae had the bright idea of sitting upstairs on the open top tour bus.

“After all Janice,” she assured.

“Not much can go wrong in a couple of hours on a bus.”

However, Mae spoke too soon because just as we had picked up quite a speed along one of the tree lined roads, when suddenly………..

Whoosh. Whack.

I was slapped right in the middle of my face with a giant palm leaf, and I can tell you that I got the fright of my life.

“Just as well you had your sunglasses on.” Mae’s words of comfort were wasted as she checked my face for lacerations.

Stress free? Relaxing?

We need another holiday!