YOU would think that a wee trip to the cinema would be a simple affair, but after speaking to my pals it seems like it is anything but straightforward.

“Do you know how many times he went to the toilet during a 90 minute film?” I asked my friends as we gathered for a catch up.

But before they could answer.

“Five.”

I confirmed as I shook my head.

“Yes, five.”

“Well he is only four, Janice.”

“I know he’s only four.” I agreed.

“But I watched exactly how much he drank before and during the film.”

“And whilst in the ladies toilet he shouted loudly.”

“I can stand up for a pee now Nana Bell.”

“Just hurry up.” I yelled.

“I’m just shaking my willie Nana Bell.”

Ignoring him he continued.

“Have you got a willie Nana Bell?”

The girls were laughing as I continued.

“Five times we went to the toilet, and five times he washed and dried his hands, by which time we’d missed most of the film.”

“But the best bit was when we had just sat down.” I giggled.

“The screen lit up and when the music blared he put his hands over his ears and shouted.”

“It’s too loud Nana, can I get the remote control?”

“The thing I hate most about the cinema is when people come in laden with food.”

Christine seemed irritated.

“Nachos, burgers, hot dogs, sweets, crisps, chocolate, fizzy drinks and popcorn.”

“You’d think they could sit through a film without a three course meal!”

“Talking of popcorn.” Butted in Fiona.

“I accidentally spilled my giant bucket of toffee popcornall over myself and my boyfriend. It was was like Velcro and stuck to every part of us.”

“It’s not what people eat.” Added Sandra.

“But how they eat it.”

“The loud crunching noises gets right on my nerves, plus the never ending rustling of sweetie papers and all the annoying slurping sounds when they get to the dregs of their drink.”

“Argh...” I could scream.

“A young boy repeatedly kicked the back of my seat.” Yvonne was annoyed.

“And despite glowering at him and his mum several times, he continued throughout the whole film.”

“I went to see my first ever 3D film a few months ago and it was brilliant apart from one thing.” Enthused Julie.

I had never been to a 3D film so was intrigued as to what is was like.

“In front of me was a row of young kids who just couldn’t sit still for a second, and every time they jumped up and down, their 3D specs came flying off!”

And I had to admit that I had never thought of that.

“As a result they were under their seats more often than sitting on them trying to retrieve their specs.”

“Well it’s not easy in the dark.” Mae suggested.

“During a film on the way back from the toilet I was completely disorientated and stumbled about like a fool until I finally found my seat.”

“A while later there was a really creepy bit in the film so I turned to Iain (her then husband), and whispered in his ear ‘this is scarier than I thought.’

“To which he replied. ‘Well you should have read the reviews before you watched it.’

Mae went on to explain.

“Only then did I realised that I was in the wrong seat and that I was whispering into the ear of a complete stranger!”

We couldn’t help but laugh at the antics of Mae in the dark.

“Mortified I spotted the back of Iain’s head two rows in front and quietly slunk back into my seat.”

“Did Iain not wonder where you had been all that time?” I dared to ask.

“No.” replied Mae.

“To be honest I think he was enjoying the peace and quiet.”

I then told the group about my niece Maggie and her husband Martin who recently enjoyed a rare kids-free afternoon at the Showcase cinema.

“We were the only two people in the whole cinema.” Maggie explained.

“So we sat right at the back so we could have a giggle to ourselves cracking jokes and playing with our phones, when out of nowhere an elderly couple appeared and sat right next to us.”

“Really?” I thought this was odd as there was about 500 empty seats in the cinema.

“I know Janice.” Maggie laughed.

“We just couldn’t understand why they would sit next to us.”

“But the best of it was...”

“Every time we made a noise, they shooshed us, and when we suggested they move, they said they were happy with the seats they had!”

“Seriously.” I laughed.

“You couldn’t make that up.”