Retirement. It’s the time that we all spend our lives gearing towards.

Making sure our finances are in order for when we are no longer working. The stress of paying off the mortgage. The responsibility of making sure the kids are settled. And looking forward to having time to all the things we spend our days dreaming about when we are at work counting the days until the clock stops at 5pm. And then, that’s it. FREEDOM! Right?

So why is it my diary is increasing becoming fuller with clients of a certain age? Men and women who have done their bit and who should be enjoying that long-promised cruise, who have been thinking of spending more time on the golf course or with the grandchildren. Or perhaps those who should be finally getting round to doing all the things in the house they thought they would.

Instead they find themselves sitting in a period of near-limbo, feeling they’ve just entered the final chapter of their lives and they’re now grieving for the life they signed out of at 5pm that last day at work.

Instead of enjoying their financial freedom, they are terrified to spend anything in case they run out of money. The home that they so longed to spend time in, has become a prison (albeit a very clean one with the dog groomed to within an inch of its life) with very long days to fill.

And in a lot of cases, especially if their partner or spouse is of a similar age, they are sharing the house with a relative stranger. There is an unexpected realisation that they have lost the familiarity they had together as a couple as they immersed themselves in work and life for the past however many years.

Retirement seems to be to many (thankfully not all) to be like the week after the wedding is over and honeymoon past. Or like that feeling over the festive period into the bleakness of January when we are just out of sorts, flat and looking forward to getting back in to a routine. But that routine is no longer there and it’s not coming back.

Losing your identity is a hard thing to deal with. After an accident, in which I broke my back, I had to do a lot of soul searching to find out who I’d become. And that’s what I encourage clients to do. We are very different people in our twenties when we start out in careers, to the 50, 60 or young 70-somethings that finish them. And we need to understand there is no shame in being a different person. We should embrace it!

Men and women seems to be affected differently in this time of adjustment, which is no surprise when we think of the hierarchy of needs.

When the male feels he is no longer fulfilling his traditional role as the provider/ protector his whole identity comes in to question and he can often struggle to find his role in the house and in civilian life.

Women are far more likely to open up and talk about their issues more freely. They tend to be affected more on an emotional level and often feel redundant and unrecognised, wondering where their role is now.

A bit like starting any new period of your life it will of course come with some trepidation. But what I tend to focus on a lot with clients is to create a recognition, that it is just that. It’s the beginning of a new period. A new life!

It’s too easy to look back at life and the things which happened through rose tinted glasses when you don’t have to endure them anymore. Try and look ahead to focus on all the things that can still be done, rather than hanging on the things that can’t. Look forward to all the things you can do now rather than focusing on who you used to be. Your identity is who you are, it is not a badge, uniform or position you hold. Your skills are yours to use in every aspect of life.

Actually planning things in a diary can help replace the feeling which come from a loss of structure. Allow yourself to enjoy doing the things you want to do. Learning something new is a great exercise for the mind and has marvellous effects on boosting self-esteem. So too is literally walking the low mood off. Getting out in the fresh air boosts the body and mind.

Investing time in getting to know who your partner is now and to understand their needs in this time of change will help you to feel closer again and back on the same side of the fence.

If you are alone join a class, take up a new hobby or donate some of your time to support organisations who need volunteers helps in many ways. Helping other always helps yourself!  As is taking on a rescue dog if your life style is suitable.

It’s a wonderful life out there, so now you have the time – Go and get it!

Sandie

If want Sandie's help contact her at www.sandierobertson.com 

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