I WAS surprisingly excited when my pal Susan text to say we were invited by her gay friend Gregor along with three others he knew for a psychic day.

“His readings are supposed to be very accurate,” Susan gushed.

“And Gregor has kept two places for us.”

“Great.” I reckoned I might as well enjoy the afternoon out, and if the psychic was any good, then that would be a bonus.

Sitting in Gregor’s kitchen we anxiously waited for Simon the Psychic to arrive, and even although it was only 1pm, the alcoholic drinks were already being poured.

“I need this to steady my nerves,” Julie stated whilst taking her first sip of the day.

“Take it easy or you won’t remember what the psychic has told you,” Robbie, Gregor’s partner sensibly advised.

I was glad someone was being level-headed because it was starting to feel like it was 10pm never mind early afternoon what with the music blaring, drinks flowing and pizza hot out of the oven.

Simon the Psychic arrived, and the second he stepped into the kitchen everyone fell silent.

He scanned the room and before he could say a word, a very eager Julie piped up.

“I’ll go first.”

“Nope,” Simon shook his head.

“The spirits dictate everything that happens today, and who goes first.”

I discreetly attempted to hint to Simon that perhaps it might be wise to do readings for certain people before any more alcohol was consumed.

But ignoring me he posed the question.

“Does the name Stuart mean anything to anyone?”

Everyone was blank until Susan piped up.

“Yep Stuart,” she smiled.

“I was just telling Janice about a guy at work called Stuart.”

How very random, I thought to myself as Susan followed Simon the Psychic into the dimly lit living room.

Meanwhile the kitchen was jumping again with music, laughter and mild hysteria as the group anxiously waited for their future to unfold.

Susan appeared 45 minutes later anxious to decipher the six sheets of scribbles she was clutching.

“I’m going to meet a new man,” she grinned.

“And Simon guarantees by the end of the year I’ll have lost two stones.”

“Is that gall stones or kidney stones,” Gregor thought he was hilarious as everyone laughed and filled up their drinks.

But Susan was unimpressed as she was convinced Simon had the powers to guarantee her weight loss.

Next out was Robbie who was beaming from ear to ear.

“Simon says we are getting married,” he flashed a smile at a now nervous Gregor whilst immediately searching on his mobile for wedding venues.

“And I’ll have my own business too.”

Gregor’s eyes lit up.

“Well, I might marry you if I’m going to be a ‘kept’ man,” he agreed.

Julie topped up her glass yet gain just as I returned from my reading.

I surmised that Simon the Psychic had told me little of any interest, but said nothing so as not to disappoint the others.

Mousy Debbie appeared nervously after her reading only to state the obvious (to us anyway), that Simon the Psychic had insisted she needed to get out more and that she should have more confidence in herself, and if she was brave enough she could have a new career.

As it was finally Julie’s turn, a couple of us helped her to her feet and guided her to the living room for her much anticipated reading.

Gregor had returned to the kitchen, which now resembled a nightclub and began to unfold his psychic predictions.

“Straight away he told me the spirits in the room suggested I was gay.”

Susan nudged me and whispered.

“The second we clapped eyes inside this flat we knew he was gay, and we’re not psychic.”

“And he mentioned my granny Agnes who died in December.” Gregor had a tear in his eye.

And so did I as my shoulders shoogled with laughter as I whispered to my pal.

“Psychic Simon must have spotted his gran’s funeral Order of Service on the mantelpiece.”

Ten minutes later the kitchen door flew open as Julie ranted on like a banshee.

“I’ve never heard so much drivel in my life,” she stated as she poured herself another large vodka.

“I got the devil card, the hangman card and the bloody death card.”

“And apparently I need to be more confident.”

One thing we knew Julie didn’t lack was confidence.

“He said I had a dark aura and that he couldn’t read me anymore.”

I suspected Julie’s aura resulted from the amount of vodka and tonic she had consumed.

However, Simon the Psychic was right when he said that the spirits would dictate everything that happened that afternoon, as I reckoned there were more spirits flying about the kitchen than the living room.

And we didn’t need a pack of cards to tell us how we would be feeling in the morning!