We all have that someone who, no matter how good we are feeling, how on point our day is going or how well we feel in ourselves, can in an instant, with a single word, glance or sound, send our mood in to a self doubting spiral of insecurity.

I first realised my trigger or faulty pattern match years after I had been playing it out for years.

For years I adopted the matriarch role within my family. Control I could do. Feeling responsible I could do. And I see now, to a degree that feeling needed was how I operated. But, where I fell down, was my the ability to discuss how I felt if, for some reason, I imagined that I had failed or, worse, let someone down.

To be able to allow myself to display any emotion other than the one that said I was FINE was, to my mind, impossible.

So, because we are such instinctively clever survivors, I developed another behaviour. If I was the first to mock my failures, to make fun of myself, then to the outside world harsh comments or errors were deflected.

Even to this day and knowing and practicing what I do, I still catch myself occasionally feeling that same earth-shattering doubt if I think, even for the silliest of illogical reasons, that I may have inadvertently hurt somebody or disappointed them in some way.

In so many of my clients I see that same behaviour. They have their day balancing on a knife edge. Their whole happiness is dependent on the reaction of a co-worker or partner.

A possibly meaningless or innocent sigh or sideways glance is able to send them in to a frenzy … and all, very likely, for nothing.

It was such a valuable thing for me to recognise, and I believe for everyone I have the privilege to help. It’s so empowering when the penny actually drops that we have absolutely no control over the outside world or what other people think, do, say or feel BUT we do have complete control over our world on the inside. We have control over how we think about things, how we act upon them and re-act to them,. We can choose what thoughts we choose to act upon and which we chose to ignore.

Being in control of your own emotions suddenly makes those looks, sighs and comments so much more insignificant.

So. just as you would be selective about which TV you watch or what radio station you listen to, demand the same discipline with your thoughts. And the results will speak for themselves!