Just such a pain to wipe poop off your Porsche...

Honestly, does anything say more about the sorry state of Britain today than this week’s story about the anti-bird spikes on trees?

For those who didn’t spot it, this is the tale of a bunch of wealthy residents in Bristol who put spikes along the branches of the trees outside their homes, to stop birds from landing on them.

Why would anyone want to stop birds from landing on trees, I hear you ask?

Why, it’s to protect their expensive BMWs and Audis, parked below the trees, from bird poop, of course.

Yes, it’s a new low, everyone.

Not content with polluting, digging up, paving over, building houses on and wrecking the natural environment in and around our towns and cities, we are now telling birds they can’t land on trees.

What’s next?

Banning fish from the sea? Bees from the garden? Birds from the sky? Forcing dogs to use public toilets? (Actually, that last one is actually quite a good idea. It would stop stupid owners leaving plastic bags of dog poo hanging on trees.)

The idea that people might even consider putting spikes on trees beggars belief – it says so much about the way we have become so out of tune with nature, our carelessness about the environment and our laziness in refusing to walk the length of ourselves, that it makes really miserable reading.

Birds have to be able to land in trees. It’s where they LIVE.

Okay, so it’s not as appalling as the time these same spikes were used to deter homeless people from sleeping in doorways, nor is it quite the same as forcing poorer people to move out of certain areas by putting up the house prices, but it still shows the same kind of selfish, breathtaking disregard for others and the world around you.

The thought that you might be more concerned about bird droppings spoiling the look of your fancy car than the impact of your actions on wildlife and the environment, is disappointing.

Nature in cities is a good thing - just about everyone with a brain agrees on it. Being disconnected from nature is not good for our health.

All over Britain, wildlife is making a comeback in towns and cities - in Edinburgh, for example, kestrels hunt voles at Arthur’s Seat, while kingfishers have been spotted in south-east London, and deer regularly roam through the Necropolis in the heart of Glasgow.

And we should be protecting it, not restricting it.

I suspect the ‘wealthy residents’ of this area of Bristol can probably afford the odd car wash. And while I’m sure it’s a terrible pain, having to regularly wipe poop off your Porsche, here’s a top tip. Just park somewhere else.