Confessions of a Single Girl: what woman really talk about in the loo

I was in a club with my friend last week and we were sitting at a booth beside the toilets.

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Sheridan Smith and Jaime Winstone star in Powder Room, a movie set inside a ladies toilet in a nightclub.
Sheridan Smith and Jaime Winstone star in Powder Room, a movie set inside a ladies toilet in a nightclub.

I couldn't help noticing that when a girl went to the toilet, she'd take at least one of her friends with her but when a guy went, he would go alone.

I've been in bars and nightclubs before and seen five or six girls trying to squeeze into one tiny cubicle like clowns squished into a tiny car.

I've been one of those girls before - one friend is trying to take a group selfie, one is gossiping, one is on her phone, one is too drunk to know her own name and one is still doing the toilet and shouting at the one who's trying to take a photo.

I guess it's because when girls go to the toilet, they're rarely going to actually use the toilet - they're going so they can spill secrets, bitch about people in the club, or to have a greet about something.

On the rare occasions when I'm in a club sober, I love hearing other girls' conversations. Last week, I heard a girl saying to her friend "I can't believe he's here with his girlfriend, he cheats on her all the time." And then they went on to discuss whether or not they should tell the poor girl about her unfaithful boyfriend. Unfortunately, I didn't hear the outcome.

You'll often get girls arguing in toilets too. Once drunk, girls think they're invincible and they're desperate to confront their enemies. I guess they don't do it on the dancefloor because of the crowds and the music, and they would never do it in a sober social situation so the loos are the perfect place.

Sometimes you'll catch them drawing the eyes off each other in a big mirror with other girls in between them and then one of them will shout something like "wit you staring at?" and shit will hit the fan - hair extensions and high heels everywhere.

Then you'll get the girls who go "oh my god, I can't believe he's here" as soon as the latch on the toilet door clicks and she'll break into floods of tears at the fact her ex was in the same room as her but didn't bother to acknowledge her.

She'll leave the cubicle and go to the mirror and two or three of her friends will huddle round her like a hair and make-up team.

Often an intoxicated onlooker will come over and ask what's wrong - she'll maybe offer a tissue or a chewing gum and then they'll start bitching about the boy in question. Chances are the girl knows the ex and she also hates him. Nothing brings girls together like a common enemy.

I've noticed that clubs that have unisex toilets don't have the same atmosphere. The last time I was in one, a guy was just there relieving himself with the door wide open, no shame.

Female toilets are a sanctuary for girls to find a sort of tranquillity in the madness and it should stay that way.

Unisex toilets seem to be the cool new thing but I'm certainly not a fan - the ladies' room is for ladies only.

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