Football rules are simple if shoes are on the right feet

OLÉ, olé, olé, olé will be chanted by football fans all across the globe today as host nation Brazil take on Croatia in the first match of the 2014 World Cup - and let me tell you, I'm as excited as Portuguese footballer Cristiano Ronaldo, right, in a hall of mirrors.

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Michelle - like Ronaldo - can't wait for the football to start
Michelle - like Ronaldo - can't wait for the football to start

Growing up with a 'fitbaw daft' father of five daughters it was kind of inevitable he would pass on the footie bug to us especially since my seven-year-old self would roll about in laughter watching my father go through every emotion possible to mankind as he watched his team play - with the odd somersault or hands on face gesture while shaking his head furiously and shouting 'come on referee' at the TV screen thrown in for good measure.

My dad was always quite careful not to get us involved in Scottish football or the Old Firm when we were younger and instead would take us to our primary school Saturday morning matches, as he was their manager.

He was known simply as Mr Mac by the boys and we would stand next to him on the touchline asking him a million questions such as "why can the boy in the goals pick up the ball but the other players can't?" or "why does the man in the black top keep blowing his whistle?" and "what does offside mean?"

I actually read a hilarious way to describe the offside rule to women recently after a friend posted it online, so I thought I'd share it for all of those men and women out there who are still confused by the whole thing.

Picture the scene, you're in a shoe shop, second in the queue to pay and behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and decided you must have.

The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them up.

Both of you have forgotten your purses. Of course, it would be rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes, however your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma so she decides to throw her purse to you.

If she does so, you can catch the purse then walk around the other shopper and buy the shoes at the till.

She could also throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and while it is in flight you could nip around the shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes.

But, you must always remember that until the purse has actually been thrown it would be plain wrong for you to be in front of the other shopper and you would be offside.

This was clearly written by a man, as a woman would never forget her purse in a shoe shop, and would simply do anything to get that last pair of heels, no matter what the rules.

But it does the trick when it comes to explaining offside which, if you are not a football fan and your husband, wife, children or any other members of your household are planning on hijacking the TV to watch the beautiful game over the next four weeks, should make it a little more bearable - plus the fact that it's a month of watching hot men run around in tiny shorts - need I say any more?

Sadly once again there is no Scotland team in the tournament although with Gordon Strachan in charge now I'm thinking we will be back with a bang in 2018 and will definitely go on to win the World Cup.

OK that's the Irn-Bru and square sausage talking but its nice to dream.

I've managed to draw Mexico in the family sweepstake so its nachos and tequila all the way for me over the next few weeks, (nothing new there then) and I suppose I'm going to have to go online and spend hours studying the Mexican team and all their vital statistics. God, I love the World Cup.

hAPPY Father's Day to all the lovely dads out there. I hope you all have a wonderful day on Sunday.

I also hope your children spoil you rotten and to my own Dad, I love you so much and thank you for being the most wonderful and important man in my life.


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