I can't help putting my foot in it

I do conscientiously try not to, but like most folk sometimes it just comes out before I know it.

While shopping at the weekend I bumped into a former colleague who I hadn't seen for quite some time.

"How's things with you?" I inquired.

"Great," replied Karen.

"And how's your Nan these days" I asked out of courtesy, as I remembered that the last time we met, Karen's Nan hadn't been in the greatest of health.

"Oh Janice. She's a poor wee soul," Karen answered. "She's in hospital and ..."

Karen then proceeded to give me a very detailed report on her Nan's ailments, which were as long as your arm. Finally I butted in.

"My my, she's a poor soul right enough," I sympathised.

But instead of leaving it at that, I added.

"It sounds like she's on her last legs."

"Oh, she is," sniffled Karen.

"And did I mention she's a double amputee as well?"

"Oh my God Karen. I had no idea."

I felt the colour rise in my cheeks. What's the chances of that, I thought to myself.

I bade her farewell and hurriedly made my way into Marks and Spencer.

However, standing at the checkout and minding my own business I noticed an elderly lady in front of me in the queue who was laboriously lifting one item at a time from her trolley on to the conveyor belt.

"Can I give you a hand?" I offered.

But it wasn't until the old lady swung round toward me and glowered, that it became obvious that she only had one arm! Aaarrrgh!!! This day is getting worse, I thought to myself.

All my friends thought this was hilarious, although my face was still flushed when I told them of my faux pas.

"Well, we've all done it," Christine said.

"How many times have we asked when is a baby due only to discover that the assumed mum-to-be is not pregnant or she's already had the baby?"

"True," I agreed.

"I remember when my hairdresser said to me 'Not long to go now then.'

"Until I reminded him that I'd had the baby six weeks earlier."

"Well, there you go then," Christine added.

"We all put our foot in it now and then."

"How about you then Mae?" Christine asked, as our pal seemed unusually quiet.

"You must have upset someone in your time?"

"Nope," she sheepishly replied. "Nothing springs to mind."

"Nothing? Nothing?" I laughed. "Remember the first night you met Fiona?

I tried to jog her memory back to a night a few years before when I had introduced her to a friend of mine.

I continued: "'Remember when you met her, and after a few drinks you beckoned her towards you and peered into her face for what seemed like ages?

"Stand still," you ordered Fiona. "If no-one else will do it then I will."

"'What's up Mae?" said poor Fiona who had no clue as to what was happening to her.

"Suddenly Mae produced a tissue from her handbag, dipped it into her glass of wine and started rubbing the tip of Fiona's nose".

"Then," I explained to the girls, "Mae proceeded to rub and rub at Fiona's nose with the tissue until I attempted to pull my mystified friend away from her clutches.

"Stand still!' said Mae adamantly as she continued dipping and rubbing the offending mark on her new friend's face. Again. And again. And again.

"Mae," I told her, my patience wearing thin. "What on earth are you doing?

"'No one else will do it Janice'," she whispered. "'But we cannae let the poor lassie walk about with that ridiculous mascara mark on her nose. It looks awful.'

"Mae," I sternly commanded as I pulled her to one side just as she was about to dip her tissue into her wine glass again. Will you please stop that"?

"That's a birthmark on Fiona's nose. She's had it all her life."

"Eh?" was the only response I received from my puzzled drinking buddy.

Later that evening an article caught my eye which read: 'Scientists have discovered why we put our foot in it when we've had a few drinks'.

Apparently as little as one glass of wine is enough to interrupt communication between the two parts of the brain which control our behavior.

And I concluded that at least Mae with her drinking had an excuse. I didn't.