SOMETIMES pets can seem to take more precedence in a family than their owners.

At our usual Sunday gathering, we got chatting about the different pets we have and the pets we used to have.

"I had a cracking mongrel dog called Betty," Mae was the first to jump in.

"I loved her to bits, even though she was always rather smelly," she explained, "especially after being out in the rain."

And we all wondered where Mae was going with her story.

"I took her to the vet who recommended deodorant tablets."

"Deodorant tablets, for a dog?" I was perplexed. I'd never heard of such a thing

We were all curious.

"And did they work?" I asked.

"They did with the dog," laughed Mae.

"But my mum got them mixed up with her hormone tablets."

"How did she manage that?" Christine was curious.

"Oh," sniggered Mae.

"She read the label which said: 'Suitable for bitches in heat', and 'not only is this product effective in minimising body odours, it has been proven to control bad breath'."

Christine spluttered her wine on to the table as we listened intently.

"So mum swallowed two tablets with a glass of water," Mae said, as though it was the most natural thing in the world.

Unsure of how to comment on the incident, the long silence was finally broken by Joe.

"I'm scared to ask Mae. But have you had any other pets?"

"Yep. A budgie called Cheeky Billy," Mae was proud to announce.

"But he flew off my shoulder one day and landed in the frying pan while I was frying eggs."

Reluctantly Joe asked: "Was Cheeky Billy okay?"

"Oh, fine," she replied.

"He flew lop sided after that, as he only had half a tail left. But he lived for years."

"You know, Mae" I sarcastically interrupted, "you really are the Dr Dolittle of Airdrie. Dare I ask if you had any more pets?"

"Goldfish," she said.

"But one winter when our central heating was broken, mum thought that the water in the goldfish bowl would be too cold for the fish so she added some hot water to warm them up a bit."

"But they are cold water fish," Joe stated the obvious.

"Yes. I know that, and you know that (although, we didn't believe Mae), but my mum didn't," announced Mae.

"Goodness," Christine shook her head, "my mum's antics don't seem quite so strange now."

As she went on to explain: "We had a cat called Sooty, who used to hate travelling to our caravan in Crail until my mum had a bright idea.

"I'll give Sooty a wee half of my Valium, just to get her there, she said, and funnily enough that seemed to do the trick."

Apparently Sooty was so placid that he could easily be lifted into the car for the journey.

"However," Christine explained.

"When my mum died, Sooty was withdrawn, and at first we

assumed it was because he was missing my mum, but in fact, he was missing his regular Valium hit."

"Pets," I exclaimed.

"My mum phoned me one morning to tell me that she had been up all night with Lady, our family Border collie.

"It's Lady, my mum sounded tired. She's been sick as a dog."

Joe was in hysterics.

"Brilliant," he said.

"Wait until I tell you how much the vet wanted to charge me for an operation on our cat Felix."

We poured some more wine and listened to Joe's dilemma.

"The bill was estimated to be £350," he said.

"So I took Felix home and explained to the kids.

"We either put the money towards a 50" plasma TV or pay for Felix's vet's bill. But, we can't afford both."

Bearing in mind the World Cup was just around the corner, apparently Joe tried to sway the decisions of his children.

"Is it worth paying £350 for Felix?" he questioned.

"Let's face it kids, he is quite old and no-one really bothers with him anyway."

He sighed, while hoping for a positive response.

To which the reply was. "You're old dad, and no one really bothers with you either. But we would still fork out £350 if you were ill."

"Fair point, Joe," Christine was in fits of laughter until her husband Jim butted in.

"She can laugh," Jim pointed to his wife.

"I've paid a small fortune for Christine to go to hypnotherapy sessions before we go on holiday as she suffers from stress and anxiety at the thought of leaving Ruby, our Dachshund."

Jim seemed perplexed as he turned to his wife.

"Funny how you didn't need hypnotherapy sessions before you jetted off to Marbella with the girls and left me."

And the silence said it all.