WHEN the EU introduced its own currency, you may remember Brits were banned from "spending a penny".

Henceforth we were expected to Euronate.

At the time it was a clever joke - perhaps not as entertaining as Peter Lawwell's claim that Celtic could be the biggest club in the world, which effectively also means Europe - but no sillier than some of the nonsensical edicts from Brussels bureaucrats.

l Bananas must not be too curvy and cucumbers must be straight.

l Eggs must no longer be priced by the dozen, but by weight.

l Bottles of drinking water must not carry any suggestion that consumption would fight dehydration.

l Prunes can't be marketed as a food that helps bowel movements.

All true, and every one worthy of a bowel movement, but other shots fired from across the Channel have hit the fan.

Take, for instance, the European Convention on Human Rights, the source of yet more Euro angst for David Cameron as his backbenchers denounce Strasbourg's blatant influence on UK law.

Its critics say the ECHR accords murderers and terrorists elevated rights above law-abiding Brits.

For instance, UK laws don't prevent the extradition of ordinary citizens, yet ECHR judges for 10 years blocked No10's efforts to get shot of hook-handed extremist Abu Hamza and hate preacher Abu Qatada.

Still, the Abus are forgotten when Johnny Foreigner proposes we hand over taxpayers' money to rapists, paedophiles and murderers.

Scots paedophile pair Charles O'Neill and William Lauchlan complain their human rights have been breached as victims of anti-gay discrimination.

It seems hard-hearted prison chiefs are refusing to allow their conjugal visits.

These twisted killers currently reside in separate Scottish jails, serving life for the murder of a 39-year-old mother of three.

Allison McGarrigle was about to tell police about a boy they were holding as a sex slave, so they strangled her, stuffed her body in a wheelie bin, and then dumped her in the Clyde.

These two horrors, who abused children in Britain and abroad and have twice been questioned by Madeleine McCann inquiry cops, are also each seeking damages of £35,000 for, and wait for this - "hurt feelings".

And they're mounting this affront with YOUR money, getting taxpayer cash to fund their legal aid (if they do win any blood money, perish the thought, it should immediately be claimed on behalf of the McGarrigle children. They know the true meaning of hurt feelings).

The European Court also objects to such cretins being locked up for the rest of their miserable lives.

In fact, left to Strasbourg judges, Peter Sutcliffe, the Yorkshire Ripper, and Ian Brady, the Moors Murderer, would be considered for parole, along with the two men who murdered Fusilier Lee Rigby.

According to ECHR judges, forcing murderers to die in jail is "inhuman and degrading". They believe those serving life with no possibility of parole should have their cases reviewed after 25 years, after which they could be freed.

The UK Court of Appeal has sensibly resisted that particular intrusion.

Depending on who you ask, claims entertained by Strasbourg are either a flagrant assault on human rights or an attempt to pamper already over-indulged criminals. Judge some for yourselves.

lA paedophile claimed banning visits from his infant son breached his "right to a family life".

l Prison officers were cajoled into addressing police killers and child killers as "Mr".

l A burglar was freed early because serving his full sentence would damage the wellbeing of his five young children.

l An armed robber won his claim that a prison's recorded message was "an embarrassing reminder" of from where he was phoning.

l After an eight-year stand-off, the European court said it was wrong to deny voting rights for prisoners but refused to sanction compensation demands.

Not everything Strasbourg does is bad, such as the voting cash ban, but too much falls under the heading of "you couldn't make it up".

We get frivolous claims about human rights - the very rights denied their victims, often brutally and terminally.

They're having a laugh at their victims' expense, while no doubt trying to ease the stultifying boredom of their self-inflicted purgatory.

The price of freedom, of those rights, is surely responsibility. Whose fault is it if some of those rights become forfeit when you're sent to prison?

IF human rights legislation is a dripping roast for smooth-talking lawyers, then they must have licked their chops over a five-year inquiry into Scotland's worst outbreak of Clostridium difficile (C. diff).

Lord MacLean has finally reported on the treatment of 63 patients at Vale of Leven Hospital in Dunbartonshire between December 2007 and June 2008, when the superbug was a contributory factor in 28 deaths.

The inquiry cost around £10million in legal fees.

Total compensation for those affected is reported to be £1m - or £16,000 per person. Bugs you, doesn't it?