1 I've decided to sell my Hoover - well, it was just collecting dust.

- Tim Vine

2 I've written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn't fit it into my set. - Masai Graham

3 Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost his job in disaster relief. - Mark Watson

4 I was given some sudoku toilet paper. It didn't work. You could only fill it in with number 1s and number 2s. - Bec Hill

5 I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn't let me. - Ria Lina

6 Money can't buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal. - Paul F Taylor

7 Scotland had oil, but it's running out thanks to all that deep frying. - Scott Capurro

8 I've been married for 10 years, I haven't made a decision for seven. - Jason Cook

9 This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it." - Felicity Ward

10 I forgot my inflatable Michael Gove, which is a shame 'cause halfway through he disappears up his own backside. - Kevin Day