CHRISTMAS is almost upon us and a lot of chat at this time of year is centred around Christmas dinner.

 

Where you're having it. What you're having to eat. And of course, who you're having it with.

The number of people I've heard moaning and groaning because they have to endure the torture (according to them) of Christmas day with certain relatives is unbelievable.

But, as the old saying goes, you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family.

However, please think of the many people who have no choice but to spend Christmas day on their own.

Ahead of the Christmas and New Year festivities, I visited my local nail bar which certainly seemed to have a festive buzz in the air.

To let you understand, the shop is tiny and extremely compact.

So customers are practically sitting on top of each other and it's unavoidable to find yourself listening to the chit-chat among the women.

One customer turned to her friend and asked: "So what are you lot having for Christmas dinner then?"

"Mince," was the unexpected reply.

"Mince?" shrieked the customer. "On Christmas day? Mince? How come?"

My ears perked up immediately.

"Cause I can only cook mince," came the honest reply.

"But," explained the customer to her friend, "if you buy one of those frozen roast joints it will have simple step-by-step cooking instructions on the back of it. You really can't go wrong."

"Nope," came the answer.

Her friend was adamant. "I'm not wasting time and money on something that would only end up in the bin. At least if I go for mince I know everyone will eat it."

Her pal shook her head disapprovingly.

"It's not very Christmasie, is it?"

"Naw ... but neither is salmon or ham and people have that for Christmas dinner."

"And what would you get then if you were vegetarian?"

"I know what you wouldn't get," the friend replied shrugging her shoulders, "and that's an invitation to my house for Christmas dinner."

The customers in the shop dissolved into laughter. I found myself chuckling along while thinking: 'some people never seem to evolve.'

Julie, the owner of the nail bar who is originally from Vietnam but who has a strong local accent then put in her bit: "Oh well, at least you can make mince hen.

"My pal's always been rubbish at cooking hen.

"She can barely boil an egg."

Julie paused to gather her thoughts while still buffing a set of nails.

"She called me one day and asked me if it was 30 or 40 minutes to boil an egg."

Everyone in the shop was sniggering.

"I know, but she was serious," Julie told us.

"Then I told her it should be four to six minutes depending on how she liked her eggs.

"But then she asked, 'OK, well how long do I boil them if there's more than one egg in the pan'?"

And the shop exploded in uproar.

We all began telling our own various stories of cooking disasters when suddenly the front door of the tiny shop burst open and a burly woman attempted to head towards a chair in the corner.

"Hi Julie," she shouted across the bodies of women. "I know I'm a wee bit early but I'll have a seat and wait."

"No problem hen," Julie answered through her face mask.

"By the way Julie," the burly woman asked. "Did you say on the phone its £26 for a full set of gel nails?"

"Aye, that's right hen. £26," Julie confirmed.

"It's no, expensive hen and they'll last you three weeks."

"Julie," the customer asked in a more serious tone, "do I get a discount if I've only got nine fingers?"

And I couldn't help but notice that a young girl in the waiting area of the nail bar spluttered on her Subway roll as we all immediately swivelled round on our chairs to have a swatch at this customer's hands.

Meanwhile, Julie was speechless for the first time since I'd known her.

"See?" said the nine fingered woman as she raised her left hand up in the air for confirmation that she was indeed entitled to some sort of discount.

The customers in the shop strained to count the number of fingers until one confirmed.

"Yes, definitely only nine,"

At this point Julie was still dumbstruck.

"How did you do that?" said a nosy customer, who in fairness was only asking what we all wanted to know.

So, oblivious to our previous conversation about food, the nine fingered customer answered: "You're not going to believe it, but last year when I was making the Christmas dinner ..."

Merry Christmas everyone x