"HOW much?" Shrieked Mae when Susan announced to our group of female friends that she was considering a non-surgical face lift.

 

"And it only lasts for 18 months," Mae clearly thought Susan had lost the plot.

Nevertheless, Susan tried unsuccessfully to convince Mae of the aesthetic benefits of this type of procedure.

"I don't even know what a non-surgical facelift is," admitted Mae, "but it seems a heck of a lot of money for something that doesn't last very long."

A debate soon ensued about the pros and cons of the many treatments on offer to rejuvenate our ageing faces.

"I read that the best results were from regular use of a sheep placenta facemask," announced Christine, who considered herself to be the font of all knowledge.

"A whit?" Mae spurted her white wine spritzer across the table.

"It's true enough," I confirmed.

"Although I believe it's quite pricey as well."

"Pricey, pricey, who would have any idea how much a sheep placenta costs?" asked Mae, who was now grimacing at the very thought.

"And why would anyone want to slap a sheep placenta on their face?"

"It was rated the number one treatment in a magazine," Christine informed us. "So it must be true."

"The Kardashians are seemingly fans of the Vampire Face Lift," added Angela.

"It's guaranteed to work miracles."

And on noticing another blank look on Mae's face, it was now Angela's turn to attempt to explain the procedure.

"It's all the rage in California," she confirmed.

"Basically, your own blood is used to rejuvenate your face."

Mae was now completely bamboozled.

"How the heck do they do that?" she asked.

And I had to admit that I was rather curious myself.

"The physician draws out two teaspoons of your blood which is then separated in a centrifuge before the physician injects it with micro-needles back into your face," Angela barely stopped for breath.

"This stimulates collagen which can help you look younger."

Angela described the procedure as though it was the most natural thing in the world.

Mae couldn't help herself.

"Well, I can recommend a beautician in Cumbernauld that'll bleed you dry without going to California."

And we all chuckled as I continued.

"My daughter suggested I try the new Snail Slime Facial Cream.

"Apparently it's flying off the shelves."

"Don't you mean slithering off the shelves?" added Mae who thought she was hilarious.

Ignoring her I continued: "The cream contains mucus excreted by snails. But, do you know what?"

The group was now listening intently.

"There's actually a salon which offers snail facials?"

"Snail facials?" they said in chorus.

"Yep, for £50, specially farmed snails slither up and down your face for an hour whilst they secrete mucus which helps make your wrinkles disappear," I said.

"£50 to let snails slither over your face," Mae shook her head.

"You lot have definitely lost the plot."

Christine, the font of all knowledge, was on a roll.

"Throughout history, human urine has been used for various cosmetic and medicinal purposes," she said pausing for a swig of wine before continuing.

"Some people still use urine to treat acne. It can be consumed orally, applied topically to blemishes, or massaged."

"Mae decided we were all taking the mick.

Holding our sides with laughter we listened as Susan added: "Mae, you can also get a solid gold facial, a bird poo facial, a bee venom facial and an antioxidant-rich wine facial.

"Which, by-the-way means you can choose white wine for dry skin and red wine for oily skin."

And at that point, Mae had consumed enough wine for 10 facials before adding: "I read that regularly massaging a 45p block of pork fat into your face will leave your skin as soft as a babies bum."

Mae now had our full attention as she raised a glass to her pals.

"Which is much cheaper than any of your fancy exotic treatments," she added.

"And let's face it girls," Mae brought us back to reality, "We don't live in California.

"This is Scotland.

"So what are we more likely to find in our fridge?"

"Snails, bee venom or sheep placenta ... or a tub of pork fat and a bottle of Pinot Grigio?"

And we nodded in agreement as perhaps Mae had a point.