APPARENTLY cinema tickets for the film Fifty Shades of Grey were sold out within the first few days of going on sale.

 

The hype surrounding the film phenomenon was such that curiosity got the better of us.

So, following a lovely meal and a few drinks, me and a group of girls from the office headed to the cinema to decide for ourselves if it really did live up to the big build-up.

By the time we arrived the cinema was packed, and it was immediately apparent that 90% of the audience was female.

I scanned the theatre looking for token males and suddenly felt slightly sorry for the 10% of guys I spotted within the quagmire of raging female hormones.

Seats booked, we settled down to enjoy our night.

For those of you, like myself, who hadn't read the book, I discovered the film was a kind of love story with more than a hint of sexual dominance.

The male lead character was the dominant and his female partner was the submissive.

And this inevitably led to a lot of muffled whispering in the darkness of the cinema.

However, the male character in this film was not the typical type of guy most of us come across in a lifetime. Oh no.

Judging by the ooh's and ahh's from the female's in the audience, I, like the rest of them, was rather in awe of the fact that as well as being suave, handsome and extremely wealthy, this young creature could seemingly turn his hand to just about anything.

We discovered he was a skilled pianist who could conjure up a soulful melody in the middle of the night.

He could manoeuvre a helicopter through the darkest skies, and he could even take control of a glider.

The list of his never-ending talents couldn't fail to impress.

And, as we discovered, as part of his fetish for all things domineering, one of his 'things' was to tie up his female submissive, and even then he looked as though he had mastered a Double Fisherman's knot, a Scaffold Knot and a Slippery Eight Loop to name but a few.

But, what impressed me by far was the fact that within less than 30 seconds, he had created a perfect French Pleat.

Yes, while standing behind his female submissive, he stroked her hair and without the usual moans and groans of dads up and down the country when given the task of tidying their daughter's hair, this Vidal Sassoon copy cat suddenly created a beautiful French Pleat.

And, I must say, the French Pleat impressed me much more than any of his other antics.

However, many scenes in the film seemed to resonate with viewers in different ways.

After watching the male dominant sift through his drawer of neatly laid out blue ties, he selected one to bind the hands of his female submissive.

Having done what he set out to do, he lackadaisically discarded the tie on the bedroom floor.

Suddenly, out of the darkness behind me a voice squawked: "And what's the betting he's no gonna pick up that tie?"

The woman had obviously endured years of being at the beck and call of her other half.

And I thought to myself: "Ah the Glasgow banter."

Gathered in the foyer after the film, we swapped bits of information on the bondage theme we had been subjected to when the chat began.

"Did you know that firefighters attended 472 incidents involving people being trapped or stuck in some very compromising positions they couldn't free themselves from since the Fifty Shades of Grey books were release?" reported one of the girls.

"Yes, and following the bondage scenes in the film, B&Q have seen a huge rise in the sale of rope and cable ties," added another.

With the girls gibbering in their own wee world, I couldn't help but overhear one woman in a huddle of females behind us admit: "I thought I'd have a night off from the washing and ironing and offered my husband Joe a night of spice, and do you know what he said?"

I strained my neck trying to hear the response.

She continued: "Sounds lovely hen. But the Man U game is on telly tonight."

The pals were in hysterics before she added: "Fifty Shades of Grey? Well, I can promise you this ladies. His bloody shirt's will be fifty shades of grey because see from tonight ... I'm withdrawing ALL my services."