OLYMPICS? Why in Glasgow we talk of little else. Look what happened as I barged on to my rush-hour train last night: "Hoy!" a guy shouted at me. "No," I replied, "But thanks for the compliment."

And you know what? The gesture he made was just the same as Chris Hoy's as he snatched his third cycling gold: that great, gloved, clenched fist straight up in the air.

Oh the pride. So I got to thinking, it's still six years till the Commonwealth Games hits Glasgow, so let's capitalise now and organise a Peepul's Olympics.

Now I know it's gonna be tricky, the Olympic symbols, badges and names are all trademarked and copyrighted so loads of athletes and their hangers-on can squeeze even more moolah from mighty corporations.

But a Games for the Peepul, by the Peepul, would be a winner, especially as Glasgow is so uniquely placed for venues.

Think about Chris Hoy for a moment with his hi-tech carbon fibre bikes, skin-tight suits and aerodynamic helmet. The cost? I wouldn't even go there.

The Glasgow version would be cheap, fun and highly competitive: take one new bike and leave it lying against a lamp-post with a few CCTV cameras around.

Got it in one! Run a few heats and the quickest off his mark gets gold.

Swimming isn't so easy, since (a) there are too few pools open to get a decent competition going and (b) Glasgow remains a city with a deep-rooted aversion to water.

The solution, oddly enough, lies with US multi-gold winner Michael Phelps, who apparently is so double-jointed and has such large hands and feet that he is truly like a fish out of water - on land he is ungainly and clumsy.

Now, I've seen a lot of rubber-limbed guys stoating around the city of a weekend, so let's just round them up and dump them in the Clyde.

First to the bank gets gold... and a free stomach pump.

That funny jumping over a high bar, where they run face-first and somehow back-flip over, has the perfect venue in the Jamaica Street Bridge... and all organisers need do is raise the parapet.

Gymnastics? Well, any railway line would do for the beam and we've got plenty of bars, though the parallel kind might be difficult.

Even athletics isn't impossible, although local bus companies would need to loan the cream of their drivers: the ones who can see passengers running full pelt and somehow still manage to both slam the doors shut and pull out into busy traffic - without getting a scratch on their bus.

Amazing talent they have.

As for an opening ceremony, look no further than BBC Scotland and STV... well if fakery is good enough for the Chinese...

Nah, the dream won't even get over the first hurdle: Glasgow has plenty of Saturday night singers... but pretty ones?