CHICK YOUNG

WITH all the SPL matches kicking off at 3pm on Saturday afternoon – trust me, it will never catch on – I was able to watch the mighty Rangers take on the mediocre Montrose at lunchtime, and what a match.

If there was a better, more skilful, free-flowing, highly technical game played anywhere else in Europe at the weekend, then I'd love to hear about it.

For viewers watching on television, the excitement began before kick off with the tv cameras in the tunnel and the chance to play Guess the Rangers Player.

I am pleased to announce that the bold Chico managed to spot five of them.

Many teams have left Links Park without a sausage, but not the Teddy Bears who just seem to get better and better with every part-time club they play. True, the did go one behind, but for me that goal should never have been allowed on the grounds that the sun was in the defenders' eyes.

Rangers, though, managed to hit back magnificently with four totally sensational strikes through Lee McCulloch with a penalty, Kevin Kyle – no, seriously – Dean Shiels and some bloke who I don't know from Adam.

As for the artificial pitch? I have my gripes. For starters, the penalty spot wasn't a spot, it was more like a square carpet tile.

KENNY DALGLISH

I'VE heard some people say Liverpool would be better if they had another striker. Well, Kenny Dalglish thinks they would be better if they had another manager.

Solving the striker problem is easy, Ian Rush is in the stand watching the games every week, why no' gie him a game? He'd be better than what they've got already.

Solving the manager's problem? No so easy. Who would Kenny Dalglish go for? Kenny Dalglish thinks Kenny Dalglish was the man for the job. But does Kenny Dalglish still think Kenny Dalglish was the right man because Kenny Dalglish isnae thinking straight because Kenny Dalglish is still ragin' at getting' his jotters? Aye.

NEIL LENNON

JUVENTUS, Bayern Munich, Schalke, Borussia Dortmund, PSG, Malaga or Manchester United?

To be honest, I don't care who we get, I'm not really bothered. All the same, it would be nice to avoid the three German sides and obviously Juventus who are the form team right now and I don't really fancy a Battle of Britain just yet or coming up against Zlatan Ibrahimovic with PSG which leaves Malaga but as I said, I don't care who we get.

SIR ALEX FERGUSON

Did I see the Fellaini head butt that boy on the coupon? Call that a head butt? Wi' that big fuzzy heid of his he is lucky he didnae tickle the other player to death.

A head butt? Moan up to Govan son, I'll show you a real one.

JIM SPENCE

IN a surprise twist today, Kilmarnock manager Kenny Shiels appealed to himself against himself about himself and the things himself has been saying in defence of himself to himself.

An outcome is expected just as soon as Kenny has had a word with himself.

ALLY McCOIST

TO be honest, in all honesty, I have to say I sympathise with Naisy and Laffs but I have no sympathy for them whatsoever.

They decided their decision and good luck to them, I have no complaint about their decision other than I think it was the wrong one.

They should have thought about never being able to come back to Ibrox again or not having pints bought for them by Rangers fans for the rest of their lives when they selfishly put their careers first and legged it which, to be perfectly honest with you, is just so unlike today's modern professional footballer, right?

PAT NEVIN

ABSOLUTELY delighted to hear that for a change Hearts' players' wages were paid on time this month.

However, maybe someone should have pointed out to the club's owner that ten bob notes and white fivers aren't legal tender.

DAVIE PROVAN

I HAVE just read about the amount of debt Manchester City have gone into in order to be crowned champions, something like £500zillion. I find that astonishing.

So, basically, any team with enough credit can win things. All I can say is thank goodness that sort of thing has never happened in Scottish football.

DAVID CURRIE

After seeing his performance in his new film 'Playing for Keeps', Neil Lennon is thought to be lining up a bid for Gerard Butler.

CRAIG BROWN

Well, yes, we are concerned about a new deal at Pittodrie especially at our age but I'm not sitting around waiting to see what happens so let me tell you, Archie Knox and I have already in talks with at least three B&Q stores.

RAMAN BHARDWAJj

SPL defences were handed a massive boost today when it was revealed that Mo Bangura is returning to Celtic.