Wish you were here? No chance. I'm on a well-deserved holiday right now and I'm not missing the outrageous, undeserved criticisms being levelled at me in the slightest. I'm happy to let Peter Houston and Kenny Black take the flak.
And, let me tell you, I'm not just sitting here by the pool in my Speedos putting on weight and looking at the world through my ultra-trendy designer shades.
Later on I plan to have a chat with the extremely brainy professor, Stephen Hawking, to see if there's any theory he can come up with whereby slipping to 71st in the Fifa rankings – a drop of 15 places – can be described as "progress".
Honestly, I just can't believe the criticism I've been getting for just four rotten results and the nation's dreams being shattered yet again. It's just so unfair and totally out of proportion, but then that's the media for you, always taking the negative view.
I mean, why can't they be positive and take the view that we're not bottom of our group, we're sixth.
Of course, I'm frustrated, disappointed, scunnered and everything else that goes with it, but it's not all my fault.
Where Scotland are right now isn't all down to me, duff selections and crazy tactics.
What about all the bad luck we've had with dodgy refereeing decisions? You never, ever hear me bring them up or blame everything that has happened on those terrible, terrible decisions inflicted upon me, do you?
See, I happen to think Mark Wotte is right, and the reason I think that is because we're paying him a fortune, so he better be.
We need continuity and the reason we need continuity is because it's another way of saying 'don't give Craig Levein his jotters'.
He's also right when he dismisses an entire generation of Scottish kids by saying they are more interested in burgers and Buckie.
Well done Mark, that should set us back another 10 years or so. That way the fact that no improvement is made on our watch won't be attributed to us.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'd like to get back to my holiday, thank you very much.
Chick Young
When they ran out of the tunnel to face Celtic, St Mirren looked like Juventus.
Forty five minutes later they looked like 11 sticks of well-sooked bogey-man rock. Could they have tried any less against a distinctly adequate, totally jammy, boringly mediocre, Celtic?
It was five at St Mirren Park, but it could have been six or seven or eight or nine or 10 and, you know what, I couldn't have cared less because later that day Rangers went to the top of the league where they rightly belong!
Two sensational strikes by 'Jig' McCulloch, his 12th and 13th of an utterly magnificent season playing against top, top-class opposition – take note Mr Levein – saw off Glasgow Giants, Queen's Park, the mighty Spiders, in a thrill-a-minute clash of the titans at a jam-packed Ibrox, the home of Scottish football.
Keep playing like this, Bears, and there will be no need for any more embarrassing results away from home, they will be begging you to come back into the SPL and save the game before Christmas.
