I tell you exactly what Scottish football needs.

More money? Nah. Goal-line technology? Old hat. What about more than one team to not be completely and utterly mince in Europe? Ach, going abroad is over-rated.

No, what we need is a super hero.

Thankfully, Motherwell have answered the call.

In a pre-season that has given us more mental moments and drama than a Love Island Christmas special, we are at last finally at the opening day of the Premiership campaign. Is it the winter break yet?

With the world either horrified or salivating in equal measure at Neymar going to PSG for over 200million Euro, Scottish football showed what it was all about yesterday morning. Being completely bonkers.

A feature on Sky Sports News HQ – other TV channels are available – was speaking about the Brazilian forward’s transfer from Barcelona to Paris before then fading into a Motherwell press conference. The obvious transition, I thought.

Instead of hearing the dulcet tones of Stephen Robinson, my eyes were instead greeted by the sight of the club’s new mascot Steelman, and his trusty and very sturdy sidekick Raven Steel (a mini steel bar). Striking a variety of different poses the man, designed by 10-year-old Freddie Hughes, who will bring superhuman strength to North Lanarkshire beamed with pride in his claret Batmanesque cowl and jester-like claret and amber muscle-clinging outfit. It was like Eddie May back in the mid 90s.

Despite the initial bizarreness of it – grown men throwing hissy fits on social media over Steelman’s appearance is my own personal highlight this week – the Well’s new mascot symbolises all that is magnificent about Scottish football and how others should take a leaf out of their book.

As well as being a nod to the club and town’s steelworks heritage, it is an even bigger reference to its future. Kid supporters entered a design competition to create the new character, and, on the week of his unveiling, young fans had their season tickets delivered to their front door by members of the first team.

It should not come as much of a surprise that the club’s season ticket base is up 20 per cent on last year already.

Much like Kingsley did when he first hit the streets of Maryhill, Motherwell have shown Scottish clubs must make the most of their ability to do things that are off the wall and creative when pots of money on marketing campaigns simply isn’t an option. Some of their Premiership counterparts don’t even tell you when their press conferences are.

Alas, every super hero story is touched by tragedy. The arrival of Steelman and Raven – an 80s cop crime-fighting duo if every I’ve heard one – coincides with the retiral of the club’s previous two mascots Claret and Amber the Bear.

First introduced at the turn of the century by former owner John Boyle, the cuddly pair became infamous during their residency at Fir Park back in 2005, when, on the back of Scott McDonald’s double on the last day of the previous campaign that denied Celtic the title, Claret was huckled by club steward’s for displaying a “McDonald’s 2-for-1” poster at Hoops fans on the first day of the new term.

A “Free the furry one” media campaign was launched and eventually Claret and Amber were reunited.

At least they can both retire in peace knowing the streets of the Shire will now be safe in their old age.

AND ANOTHER THING

Only a week on from my last column - I know, they continue to trust me with it - when calls were made for Celtic and Rangers fans to get a grip of themselves on social media, some have dived down to new lows.

I travelled with the Celtic team to Norway on Tuesday and at Glasgow Airport we saw Leigh Griffiths be verbally abused in public. If that wasn’t bad enough, as the team returned on Thursday Scott Brown was targeted by a sicko on Instagram over the heartbreaking death of his sister.

What kind of world do we live in nowadays where people believe it’s acceptable to behave like this?

While Brendan Rodgers is keen for his players not to be exposed to every numpty that goes through Glasgow Airport - quite understandably - it’s about time the authorities gave some more protection to those in the limelight on the likes of Twitter and Instagram.

There are sadly some people who shouldn’t be allowed out who now have a platform to say whatever they want without fear of repercussion. The same goes for some who attend football grounds around the country.

But football clubs can only do so much. The Scottish Government and Police Scotland must send out the right message if we are to emerge from the dark ages.