DICK ADVOCAAT

What? No. What? Yes. It's true what they say, once a Rangers fan always a Rangers fan.

I have the blue nose, they are my team, I am Rangers till I die, Walter Smith's blue and white army!

For sure, I say all these things in build-up to match, but only so that fans give me easy time when my team gub Rangers tonight.

But you know, I tell you, seriously, it was great to come back to Scotland recently and have the media sooking up to me just like the old days.

It was fantastic to be saluted and called The Little General again. It almost made me forget all those Advocaat Must Go' headlines that appeared as Rangers stopped winning things.

But hey, that was then, this is now and I'm sure all those bad feelings will be forgotten if my team play badly tonight and Rangers win the cup.

Seriously, I know that Rangers fans will understand that, much as I love the club, I am Zenit manager now so my allegiances lie with them, that is just the way of things in football.

But I tell you, football never ceases to surprise me. Who would have thought Dick Advocaat would receive so many messages of good luck from Celtic fans?

They say to me: Dick, Zenit MUST win, not because Rangers are evil incarnate and if they won we would never hear the end of it, but because they play negative, anti-football that is an embarrassment to the ethos of the game which they are currently destroying'.

Of course, I believe this.

So this is it, the big one. I think Zenit are favourites and I think we will win, but I have to be honest, I go into the match with one huge regret - our top scorer, Pavel Pogrebnyak is suspended.

For sure, I would have just loved hearing Archie MacPherson pronouncing that name.

Well, obviously, particularly at the present moment, we're in the final and that is a great achievement in itself.

I should be happy and delighted and obviously - as you can tell by my demeanour - I am. But I'm a wee bit angry as well over some of the criticism.

Let me say here and now, I totally disagree with what's been said. I think it's a combination that works and is a style I am committed to. So I can assure everyone, come what may I will be sticking with wearing my brown shoes with black trousers.

Obviously, preparation is all in football. You must prepare for every eventuality, especially for when, as is sometimes the case, results go against you.

So, given recent events, should we be unsuccessful tonight it's re-assuring to know I'll be able to blame the SPL because, without wishing to seem unreasonable, it will have been all their fault.

To be honest, it would be fair to say that up until now I haven't been particularly delighted by the lack of support Rangers have received from the authorities.

You would think a Scottish team in a major European final, something that doesn't happen very often, would get every assistance. Yes, I know they did nothing to help Celtic in 2003, but this is different, because we are the people.

We had asked for the Dundee United game on Saturday to be postponed and we were turned down, so then we asked if we could just be handed the three points, not to benefit Rangers, you understand, but for the general good of Scottish football.

Believe it or not, they turned that request down as well. However, Mike McCurry was appointed referee, so some people might argue they did make sure we got three points.

However, obviously, at the present moment, that was in the past and we're now in the present looking to the future and as far as Rangers are concerned that future starts now.

The fans have a big part to play in the final, but if the players can't be inspired by 100,000 fans in or around the stadium givin' it laldy then they only need to think about the top-class celebrity fans Rangers can boast, international stars like Davy Sneddon, Graeme Dott and Andy Cameron. Surely that should be enough to inspire them?

FOR sure, see me, I am mental, but I am now also older and wiser so now I bring a maturity to my mentalness as you will see tonight when I clatter three or four Rangers players in the first five minutes.

I did enjoy my time with Rangers, but that is in the past and does not matter to me now. I am Zenit player, I love St Petersburg, I live in the exclusive Newton Mearnski district of the town and I will be doing all I can to take the cup back to them.

Zenit are favourites, of that there is no doubt, but for anyone who likes to have a flutter there are some other interesting bets worth looking at for this game.

For instance, Ricksen to be sent off in the first half, you'll get 7/4 on for that one; Ricksen to challenge Smeato - who will surely be in the crowd - to a square-go, you get 5/1.

And one that may tempt Celtic fans to have a flutter is Ricksen to put Nacho Novo up in the air, at 6/2.

Of course, anything can happen in football and Rangers, of course, are the jammiest team I have ever seen. But Zenit will not be taking them lightly or treating them with disrespect in any way.

Seriously, though, isn't the football they play rubbish? I thought football was supposed to be the beautiful game? They have made it the hacket game.

Rangers are primitive, they will play for penalties, they will kill the game, they will send football back to dark ages but, as I said, we will not be taking them lightly or treating them with any disrespect.

OK, so now I go off to practise my Ricksen trademark mad stare and my innocent who, me?' expression. Will I need them? You know, I have this sneaky suspicion I will.

Well, you know, as I say, as the special Uefa Ambassador for the City of Manchester United, it a great honour for you to read what I, The Lawman, have to say in welcoming my fellow countrymen from my country, which is Scotland ... I think.

Let me offer to them the traditional Scottish welcome: "Hello".

And to the many Zenit St Peterburg fans who have come all the way from Zenit, let me offer to them the traditional foreigners' welcome to this country: "Bonjour".

Now, who wants to hear about when I played with Torino?

Oh aye, man, no doubt about it, know what I mean? Right here and the now we is standing on the edge of the verge of the crossroads. Gen up, man, we is just one result away from being past legends in the making for the future.

What do I know of the opposition?

Well, to start aff wi', I thought Zenit sounded like a double-glazing works team, but apparently they're a wee bit better.

They're managed by my old gaffer, Wee Dick, and have some brilliant players wi' funny names, like Arshavin.

But I'll tell you this, in the SPL we've got pure hunners a points, but see in their league, right now they have only six, so they cannae be all that good.

Am I worried there might be a bit of soapy bubble among fans? Na, no' in the leastest. See, I heard Zenit fans are racist, so they'll be able to organise races to keep them occupied.

I'll tell ye one thing, though, they must be pure loaded, cause I heard they were on a million euros a man. A million euros! What is a Euro, by the way?

I heard we wus on fifty grand a skull but, I mean, that's nothing, intit? A mean, what can a fitbaw player dae wi fifty grand, apart frae spend it all on vast properties, flashy motors and, of course, tattoos.

I don't know if you've noticed, but I've got a new tattoo on the back of my neck. It's no' a daft drawing or nothing, naw, it's sensible, cause it's words and no' just any words, they're useful words, cause they say: This way up'.

Anyway, I'm really looking forward to the night, although I dae feel sorry for Kirk Broadfoot.

How comes? Well, if we wus tae get beat, no matter what, no matter how, what's the bettin' poor Kirk'll get pelters? So, that is pure why, mair than dain it for Scotland, we're out to win the cup for Kirk.

This was to have been the greatest day in the history of Scotland - because let's face it, Rangers ARE Scotland - but sadly this is not to be the case after it was revealed the Zenit fans took up most of their ticket allocation - how dare they!

Let's be honest, all the tickets should have been made available to the glorious Teddy Bears' fans, so this match could have been the ultimate Rangerfest, a loyal celebration of all that is true and all that is blue but no, the attendance at the City of Manchester Stadium will not be 100% Rangers, which I think is utterly disgraceful.

And as for the lack of accommodation for Rangers fans? Manchester folk should be giving up their houses to fans who can't get a hotel room. Surely this would be the decent thing to do.

Finally, I am totally, sensationally, astonishingly shocked and appalled by the rumours I am hearing that not all of Scotland are behind Rangers in tonight's final. I cannot believe that.

I am even hearing that some Celtic fans are hoping - get this - that Rangers get beat. Well, all I can say is, shame on them. If these rumours are true, then that is a sad indictment of Scottish football given the way that all of Scottish football supported them when they got horsed in Seville.