ONLY AN EXCUSE ... Scotland's funniest football column

NEIL LENNON

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Celtic manager Neil Lennon
Celtic manager Neil Lennon

EXTREMELY disappointed and, to be perfectly honest with you, not too pleased either.

That kind of performance is completely unacceptable, although that's three times this season we've just had to accept it. Kilmarnock, St Johnstone, Inverness Caley Thistle – no disrespect, but we should be totally gubbing wee teams like that.

Champions League hangover? I don't accept that. As a professional footballer, you should be able to cope and play with a hangover, whether it's down to a trip to Europe or a trip to Karbon in Buchanan Street. The only positive I can take from this result and performance is that there was hardly anyone inside Celtic Park to see it.

Did I use the wrong tactics? What tactics? I stuck on Paddy McCourt, so doesn't that suggest tactics were out the window?

I happen to know some of the fans were unhappy because they had a go at the team, and they were swearing and everything, which is totally out of order.

Isn't it amazing how one, wee, humiliating defeat coming after two other wee humiliating defeats and that victory against Barcelona – which we've been living off for weeks – is forgotten?

Don't get me wrong, they pay their money and are entitled to voice their ill-informed opinions, but nowhere near where I can hear them. Personally, I blame the Green Brigade. If they had been there on Saturday making their usual racket I wouldn't have heard any of the abuse being shouted and I wouldn't have thrown the toys out the pram, gone in the huff and threatened to quit.

ALLY McCOIST

IN all honesty, to be perfectly honest, if ever there was a sign that Scottish football is NOT in trouble it was when too many tickets were sold for our match with Elgin.

The ground holds approximately 4,000 but, for some reason, Elgin sold more than 50,000 tickets. Now, I thought that's what we wanted, more fans at games?

Are you telling me that the police and security guards couldn't have come to some arrangement with the club and squeezed in those extra 46,000 fans? Once again, the Rangers fans have been punished.

ALAN McINALLY

OKAY, put it this way bud, all I'm going to say to you is one word, one word, and that word is Vugar Guloglan Oglu Huseynzade.

No, I'm not quoting my old mate, Charlie Nicholas. Vugar Guloglan Oglu Huseynzade is the new manager of Azerbaijani side Baku and he got the job because of his abilities on the computer game 'Football Manager'.

Now okay, look at my great, great friend, Jose Mourinho. At football? Awful. At managing? Different class. My old mucker, Andy Villas-Boas. At football? Hopeless. At managing? He wears nice coats.

The point I'm trying to make is that you don't need to be a decent footballer to make a manager, so maybe you only need to be good at computer games to make a good manager.

Although there's just the one thing that bothers me. Wonder how Vugar will feel when he discovers that, unlike with 'Football Manager', he won't be able to sign the likes of Messi, Ronaldo or Rooney. That could, just possibly, create a problem.

SIR ALEX FERGUSON

OH, pwoud, very, very, very pwoud indeed to see a statue of me unveiled even if it is a statue that looks nothing like me. In fact, maybe that's why I like it, because it doesn't look anything like me, it's more like a young Leonard Nimoy, Mr Spock, but without the ears.

Some people have said it's very lifelike but I disagree, for a start it doesn't have a purple nose and it isn't pointing at its watch while drawing the referee a dirty look.

walter smith

Obviously, particularly, at the present moment, league reconstruction is the big talking point and it is really important, so when I heard the news my head went down and I felt absolutely awful ... but if SPL chairmen want to give chief executive Neil Doncaster a vote of confidence then that's up to them.

KENNY DALGLISH

I SEE big Joe Jordan is off to QPR so that's one less candidate for the Scotland job. Then again, that's Andy Robinson quit the Scotland rugby job so he could maybe be thinking of applying.

When you think about it, he's well qualified. For one, he knows nothing about football and two, he loses a lot. Prerequisites for the job I'd say.

TERRY BUTCHER

CRIKEY! I was furious with that performance! Absolutely livid! Only 1-0 against a team playing that badly? Sorry but that is just not good enough.

GRAEME SOUNESS

THE next Scotland boss? Yeah, for sure, I'd go for Steve Clarke. I'm sure he would walk away from West Brom, currently sitting third in the Premiership, for the Scotland job ... if he was clinically insane.

CHICK YOUNG

THE Big Tax case? All I will say is justice has been done as – let's be honest – we all knew it would be. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more.

DAVID CURRIE

AN e-petition has been launched by Rangers fans calling for an investigation into HMRC. So far some 13,000 have signed the petition but there are questions over the validity of the petition over accusations that some of the names are dual entries.

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