WHO says Britain has no plan to get through Brexit? Just as the Roman Empire gave citizens bread and circuses to distract them from calamity, ITV last night began sacrificing poor, dumb creatures on the altar of light entertainment.
So much for the cockroaches on “I’m a Celebrity … Get Me Out of Here!”, who are this year’s contestants?
Scotland had skin in the game last year courtesy of Kezia Dugdale, whose time as Scottish Labour leader stood her in good stead to crawl through fish guts and other nasties.
This year, Caledonia is represented in Australia by Glasgow-born, Scots-American John Barrowman, the actor, singer, and one-time No campaigner. No controversy there, then.
Also among the new faces was Holly Willoughby, dressed in the traditional jungle attire of a black lace mini dress. "Hols" made a splendid debut as Dec’s new co-host while Ant spends more time with his lawyers. It was Barrowman, though, who made the most impressive, and loudest, entrance.
Wearing a floral patterned suit, Mr B arrived on a speedboat, disco dancing. On board the welcome yacht he hit on a waiter (“Oh hello, I hope you’re going to the jungle with me,”), demonstrated some dance steps and trilled the word “FABULOUS!” a lot. Yes, Mr B was not so much embracing a gay stereotype as making mad passionate love to it.
He and Coronation Street actor Saira Khan had to compete against Roxy from EastEnders and popstar James McVey to get first pick of the remaining celebs.
Roxy and McVey won, choosing Anne Hegerty from quiz show The Chase and a young singer, Fleur East. That left Barrowman and Khan with football manager Harry Redknapp and DIY SOS host Nick Knowles.
Explaining her choice, Roxy said: “We didn’t know what was coming up so we reckoned someone fit in case it was a physical task, and someone with brains.”
“So that makes me unfit and brainless?” Knowles ventured unwisely.
A heroic Barrowman eventually led his crew to victory and the comfiest camp. He greeted Croc Creek much as Stanley hailed Livingstone, if Stanley had burst into song.
Despite being in the fancy camp, Harry did not think much of the first night’s meal: emu. “I used to like Rod Hull and emu. I feel bad eating him now.”
Sitting at home somewhere in Brexit-blasted Blighty, Michael Parkinson was licking his lips. With three weeks of this ritual humiliation to go, a grateful public salivated right along with him.
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