AT our weekly catch up my girlfriends and I came to the conclusion that young girls (and guys) are so made up nowadays they can look like two completely different people.

According to Fiona, her daughter Stacey recently had a house party and a small group of her girlfriends stayed over.

“Every one of them looked like glamorous film stars,” she explained.

“Even though it was just a house party, they had had their hair and make-up professionally done and wore the most amazing outfits.”

However, Fiona said it was a completely different picture the next morning when the party goers appeared one by one for breakfast.

“Honestly girls, apart from my daughter I really struggled to make out who was who.”

Apparently the ‘Living Dead’ appeared around the breakfast table looking shadows of their former selves.

“With make-up removed, eyelashes off, hair extensions out and dropping six inches in height, I didn’t recognise anyone.

“Well,” I butted in.

“It sounds like they had more spare parts than my car!”

The girls laughed as I added.

“What with false nails, hair extensions, eyelashes, spray tans, teeth whitening….. the list is endless.

“But the good thing is that nowadays very few young ones have false teeth.”

Wilma nodded and stated.

“That’s because people are starting to look after their teeth and also with advanced technology and new materials it’s now almost impossible to tell the difference between real teeth and dentures.”

Next minute my shoulders started shoogling with laughter as I recalled an afternoon not too long ago when I had lunch with some former colleagues (for obvious reasons I’ve changed their names). Me, Sharon, Garry and Janet were gathered around a table in glitzy Princess Square in Glasgow when Garry piped up.

“I must say Sharon, your new teeth look amazing.”

The compliments were flying as he added.

“They are so white and the shape and size of them is perfect.”

Then nosily he asked.

“How much did they end up costing you then?”

Sharon was reluctant to spill the beans on the extortionate amount she had paid for her new nashers so replied.

“Never you mind Garry, but they are worth every penny,” she grinned.

I later found out that Sharon had treated herself to new veneers on all of her front teeth and also had two expensive implants, and on closer inspection I had to agree that Sharon’s expensive pearly whites were indeed the bee’s knees.

“You would never know that they were veneers Sharon,”

I complimented.

During out chit-chat about teeth, Janet hadn’t said a word, which was unusual as she had an opinion on everything.

Garry was still prattling on and trying to guess the cost of Sharon’s dental work when suddenly Janet tilted her head back and then forth as she let out an enormous sneeze.


Without warning something flew past Garry and me but we hadn’t a clue what it was.

We sat motionless as Janet frantically jumped to her feet, snatched a large napkin from the table and headed towards the large centrum area of Princess Square where the flying object had headed.

“What’s going on?” I turned to Garry who was now out of his seat and hot on the heels of Janet who was pushing her way through the masses of feral children running about on the centrum floor.

Much to our astonishment, next minute Janet nose-dived on to the floor between the many kids to recover the flying object before scurrying to the nearest toilet.

“Garry, what the heck just happened there.”

“I’m not sure Janice, but I reckon the mystery of whether Janet has false teeth or not has just been solved!”

My latest episode continued the hilarious conversation as Mae was reminded of the morning her dad ran down the stairs in a blind panic.



He slobbered.

“I shhhh… ink I’ve had a shhhhh… troke.”

Poor wee Isobel came rushing out of the kitchen to assist her anxious husband, but as she didn’t have her false teeth in, the conversation was a somewhat blurred.

“Shhhh... okey Jimmy.”

“I’m here.”

She assured.

“Whatsss… hup?”

Pointing to his face Jimmy slurred.

“I jissss….ht cannae shhhhhh…..peak right.”

“Haud on Jimmy till I get ma tee…..shhhhh in and I’ll phone and ambulanshhhh.”

Clinging on for dear life to the settee whilst clutching his chest, Jimmy was anxious about his impending heart attack.

“Ishhhhh…obel.” he yelled.

“Whitshhhhh…… keepin yea?”

According to Mae her mum returned from the upstairs bathroom with a white plastic cup filled with pink liquid and thrust it in front of her dad’s nose.

“Jimmy, ya daft lump.”

Isobel seemed less than pleased at the unnecessary drama her husband had caused.

“Thoshhhhh are my bloody tee…shhhhh you’ve got him.”

“And sure enough.”

Mae finished her tale.

“The second they swapped teeth everything was back to normal.”

Well... for a wee while anyway.